Long Live Longmire Series - Here and Now
by TheGodmother2
Summary: Set post Ashes to Ashes, Walt fights his way through the tail end of the emotional storm that was Season 3. Includes examining his relationships with Cady, Vic, Henry and the Longmire crew. Homage to Vickrok for her inspiration.
1. Chapter 1

The coroner classified it as an accident and the newspapers reported it as the same. I didn't believe either account and I still don't but couldn't and can't prove otherwise. After the year my small town has had in an even smaller department I was conscious of sounding like an overwhelmed albeit almost hysterical elected official by bemoaning cries of foul play against our wealthiest citizen.

Ruby placed an ad on the government jobs website and it ran in the local paper. After the funeral, we didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about any of it. Ferg moved back to his small desk without provocation and we left it like that choosing to remain silent about his motives.

I never made it to Jacob Nighthorse's casino construction office that afternoon having followed my instincts toward the shot. The delay was only temporary, as my sense of justice prevailed over my sense of revenge. In the end, I suppose, I got both after Nighthorse made a deal with the FBI and the Office of the Attorney General. At my request, they took over the investigation because he and Barlow conspired to commit murder across state lines, a Federal offense.

The Feds did not have a stake in me or in any parts of Durant, Wyoming but they were particularly gracious with me because of our work in the mountains a couple of years before with their escaped prisoners. It didn't take long for me to figure that word had travelled to D.C. and they pulled the big guns to handle the case.

They held the trial in Sheridan. It was quick in terms of the speed of justice but it wasn't quick for me or for Cady or for Henry. In the end, the judge dispensed the sentence; Barlow received life without parole and Nighthorse, eight-ten years, he will be out in five with good behavior.

As all Shakespearean dramas, the redeemed hero dies and I've lost a deputy that was also a friend. There are days when I sit and stare out of my office looking at the empty desk and studying the unspoken grief amongst us but I don't know where to start, with any of them, or myself, so I don't. The office is full but it is quiet.

"Walter," Ruby hands me a few post-its, "The court sent back two tickets, something about the court date being wrong. Mike, over at the county yard called and said the generator is fixed on the portable speed display and Lucian called asking if you forgot his address."

"Thanks, Ruby."

Contemplating a visit with the crazy cowboy, I look out to the outer bay and see Vic staring out of the window onto Main Street. Vic doesn't mention Sean. She doesn't talk about her divorce, at least not to me, and I don't ask. We haven't moved past my asking her to stay and I never clarified what I meant because she didn't ask and I didn't tell. On days like this, Martha's voice is a little clearer, a constant guide toward my recompense.

I flip open the County telephone directory, all ten pages, find Employee Assistance Program, leaving the book open I walk over and look out onto the same Main Street that Vic has been contemplating. Closing the door, I dial the EAP number,

"Hi, ah, I wanted to know the process to make an appointment with ah…well…ah counselor."

"Sure, I can help you. Your name, sir?"

My grip tightens around the phone as I press it closer to my ear and mouth. My name floats out in a whisper.

"Oh, hi Sheriff. Would you like to make an appointment for yourself or for an employee?"

"It's for me." Ok, this is my first step, I think. I don't know how many steps are ahead of me but I'm pretty sure its much more than 12.

"We have a cancellation this morning. If you can be here by 10 o'clock I can get your right in to see Dr. Chandler."

This should be good news but you know I'm thinking it isn't. I wasn't prepared to actually take the first step today let alone the second step to actually visiting a headshrinker. I'm reeling and can't think of anything else to say except.

"Ok"

I hold the post-its in my hand and thump the last one with my thumb figuring today is not the right day for me to make my peace with Lucian.

There's a slight knock at the door and it opens.

"Hey, Walt you gotta minute?" Vic holds up the doorway with her arms and legs crossed. I wonder, as always, why anyone bothers knocking at all.

"Actually, I was heading out."

She doesn't move.

"What's up, Vic?" There is so much more I want to say to her. So much more.

"Where you headed?" Her eyebrows arch waiting for my answer.

"Ah, I have an appointment at 10:00." I look at my watch. "I gotta get going."

We stand and stare at each other. Vic, come with me. Vic, put your hand in mine and go through this with me. I need to say that to her. I need to say more but I don't because I can't at least not yet.

Her mouth twists, "Mind if I tag along?"

"May be there awhile," making it obvious. The pain reflected back is just as obvious.

She turns, spins back in her chair and stares at papers on her desk instead of the clear view through her window. This is our new normal and it is a bad normal.

The first face I see is Wendy Little Bird. I see her once a year at the county picnic. I completely forgot she was the receptionist for County Health psychological services. She greets me with a genuine smile, warm, and bright.

"Hi, Sheriff."

"Hi, Wendy." I smile back and take the clipboard she is extending me.

"Just fill in the highlighted areas and hand it back to me when you're done."

I nod, and fold my legs beneath one of the fabric chairs in the small empty waiting room. Scribbling out the form, I promptly follow Wendy's directions and hand her back the clipboard.

She stands and comes around to the door letting me in. Once on the other side, she quietly says, "Don't worry everything is confidential and when you and Dr. Chandler conclude your appointment you will go out of the side door and just make a quick left to the front parking lot."

"Is that why the lobby is empty?"

She smiles. "See this is why I vote for you. It usually takes people a few months to figure it out. We stagger the appointments so that our patients have complete confidentiality. We live in a large county but have a small population, Walt. People who need to come wouldn't if their neighbor or boss or whatever knew they were here."

I nod in their sophistication and I suddenly feel much better about my decision.

Wendy leads me to the office. The décor is shrink chic with a couch, three overstuffed leather lounge chairs, a coffee table, a few framed degrees, a state license, and a very nice flat screen. Taking one of the chairs, I turn my hat lucky side up and wait with my hands planted on my knees.

Dr. Chandler makes his appearance through yet another inner door. He's a big guy. Almost as tall as me, looks a little older than me, but he has about 60 pounds on me. His square jaw is firm and his high and tight looks as natural as the blue chambray shirt he is wearing. Extending his massive hand that goes with his massive smile, "Bob Chandler, nice to meet you Mr. Longmire."

"Walt, ah, please."

I sit back down and he sits across from me.

"Well, I'll return the courtesy, please call me Bob."

His eyes are a cobalt blue and the glasses that frame them are frameless.

"So what can I do for ya, Walt?"

I actually don't know the answer to the question. I pat my knee and I feel my head shaking back and forth as I contemplate leaving or trying to answer his question as both seem equally difficult.

My eyes swing back around toward Bob. The smile is gone. He is leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs just below his knees, his fingers are pressed together forming the perfect teepee but his eyes have never left me.

"Defense?" I ask.

He stares at me and I see the soft fold of flesh between his eyes push together as he processes my one word question.

"Yeah, both hockey and football. You?"

"Offense." I pause. "Just football."

I'm deciding if I like Bob and Bob knows I'm deciding if I like him. He stays in his position, his eyes still locked on mine, as we continue the dance.

"I'm not sure what you can do for me Bob. I'm not really sure what compelled me to come here except that I have an office full of broken deputies and I don't know how to put them back together, again. I can't seem to fix it."

He soaks in my words and replays each word with weighted significance before he answers.

"How about you?"

"How about me, what?"

"Are you broken?"

Not breaking his eye contact, "What man isn't?"

A small smile frames his mouth. "Fair enough. Fair enough."

His baritone voice smoothly says, "It's your story. I'll let you tell it."


	2. Here and Now - Chapter 2

Bob out waits my silence which as you know is a feat not many men can claim.

"You read the paper?"

"Sometimes."

"How long have you lived here, Bob?"

"About four months, Walt. Came down from Helena."

More silence. Why would a guy move from Helena to Durant. My mind spins the virtual rolodex and I can't recall any Chandlers in Durant but you know that doesn't mean they weren't here.

"My wife was murdered."

Halfway through my sentence I hear the weakness of my own voice. I also realize it's only the second time I have ever uttered those words and the first time was to Vic. Somewhere in the back of my mind I note the significance but right now, sitting in this chair, I don't know why.

Bob's expression doesn't change. He is listening to every word I say and he's sizing me up.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No"

Silence.

Bob decides to break it this time and he goes on a straight unobstructed path toward my jugular.

"What does your wife's murder have to do with the problems you are experiencing amongst your staff?"

I don't give myself time to think about his question just like I don't give myself time to think about the horrific hell I am in and I want out. I want out right now. My hat is in my hand before I process the thought and my legs straighten and hold me up before I think about what I am doing. I'm almost to the door when I mutter.

"This was a bad idea. Sorry to waste your time."

"Funny thing, I've only seen fight or flight on two occasions. One is on the battlefield and the other is from patients too scared to face their demons."

I spin around ready to punch the holy hell out of Bob.

"Walt, you don't strike me as a coward but I have been wrong before so it won't be my last time if I am wrong about you."

My jaw is set, my eyes are locked and I'm about ready to clean Bob's clock as I take a step forward.

"Why don't you tell me about Cady?"

The suddenness and the shock of Cady's name temporarily derail my motion to tear Bob apart. In that one singular and surprising moment, I am completely disarmed.

I can feel my face go flat as if he slapped me with one of his massive hands. "Cady?" I ask.

"Yes, Cady."

"How do you….how do you know about Cady?"

"Cady Longmire. You listed her as your emergency contact. Who is she Walt?"

I look down at my ropers, almost mortified at my temper, not quite to the point of apologizing you understand because I still want to whip Bob's ass for calling me a coward but he has successfully wiped the floor with me. An unfamiliar experience I assure you.

"Cady is my daughter."

Bob opens his stance and his palm pointing all of his fingers toward the chair. My subconscious grabs ahold of the meaty warm hand, takes it, and sits back down.

"Tell me about her."

My elbow lands on my thigh, my fingers find their way to my forehead and the tips slide across my brow as if they are forming a four lane highway. My thumb rests under my chin, as my index finger holds my lips shut, and even I know my subconscious is straining making its last best effort to maintain my silence.

The speck of buried spirit strains to be heard as my inner slave temporarily defeats the master and air pushes from my lungs, "I hurt her."

Knowingly, my silence will not stand to his defenses, so I close my eyes and bury my face in my hands, ashamed.

"Why did you move here from Helena?"

His eyes flirt with the possibility of redirecting my deflection.

"It's quieter here."

Masterfully played.

"I told her that her mom died of cancer."

"Why?"

"I wanted to protect her from the pain of losing her mom to murder."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"So, it's not obvious to you that most people would not lie about your situation?"

"Bob," I faint a smile, "I really don't want to talk about my daughter. I didn't come here for that. I just need some help you know in getting things back on track at work. We, ah, I lost a deputy and I'm not …well we aren't really processing the grief too well."

"So, everyone is following your lead. Is that what you are saying?"

I want to smack the hell out of this guy.

"Listen, Walt. Let's put it plainly. Two men like us sitting in this office, like this, means it's the end of the line, son. Either you trust your 15 minute summation of me and why you are really here or we shake hands like gentlemen and go on about our lives. Really, it is as simple as that."

I stand; holding my hat in both hands, and Bob extends his full paw. Biting the inside of my lower lip, I shake his hand, and he directs me to the adjacent door that leads to the side exit.

In the doorway, I turn, my body forming a blade splitting Bob in two but looking him square in the eye afraid he can see the torrential fear swirling beneath the surface ; "I can't always come down here you know Sheriff's truck and all." I clear my throat. "Would you be able to meet me somewhere else?"

I think I expected his massive grin to reappear but it didn't and I don't know what to think of that however his massive hand landed on my shoulder and that I did not expect.

He reaches into the rear pocket of his dress Wranglers and hands me a business card. "The number on the back is my cell phone. Call me when you're ready. No need to go through Wendy."

Nodding, I place my hat perfectly on my head, my disguise complete.

I stop the Bronco in front of the retirement home not bothering to find a parking space. Lucian's door is open as if he is expecting someone.

"What do you want," yelling in the sarcastic tone of familiarity.

Perched mid-room, my hands on my hips, weight shifted.

"Lucian."

"I see you remember my address." The emphasis on the dress and the s lasts too long forming a hiss.

"Yup"

"You gonna sit down or just stand there like stink on shit?"

"Dunno"

"Well, hell, Walt."

My jaw is jutted out and my head is shaking up and down while I process my real reason for being here.

"I can't apologize for the sonofabitch, Walt, for what he did. I can only apologize for my family name." Lucian looks out his single window, sniffles masked as a deep breath, "It's a God damn tragedy. A tragedy all the way around, Walt."

"Yup."

I sit down in my chair, opposite the chess board, and stare out of the single pane window deciding what step to take next. I wish I could tell you that I feel good about seeing Bob but I don't and you know I don't. There's nothing about our conversation that makes me think I am a better man for it. I feel disgusted, at myself for letting it get this far, even more disgusted for asking for help. That's the worst part of it all, really.

Lucian stares straight ahead, and not at me, but my eyes venture over to his as I admit the reason for my visit.

"Why, Lucian?"

"I don't rightly know."

I can feel the twisted ball swell, "You don't know or you don't care to know. To find out?"

The silence between us is sickening and it's not sliced before I turn to leave.

I point the Bullet toward town methodically clocking the miles as they tick tick tick one after the other.

"Walter, are you there?" Ruby's voice cracks over the radio speaker.

"Go ahead, Ruby."

"Where are you?"

"Countyline road headed for town."

"Vic just called. She has a flat and her spare is flat. Ferg left because it's his night to double back."

"Where is she?"

"Mile marker 5"

"Copy"

This too is broken. This too is my failure. This too is my fear.

I go past the county truck and turn around pulling behind her. Opening the rear she has the spare in mid-air hoisting it herself, refusing to let me help her but I grab the edge and lift the tire onto the rear tailgate without a word passing between us.

Maybe you won't believe me but it's not anger that passes between us just the awkwardness of regret, of truths unspoken. Maybe they aren't truths anymore and just maybe they are better left unsaid.

We make it to Murph's before Vic offers, "Thanks for stopping."

"Sure."

Murph fixes up the spare and I tell him to expect Vic back with the original flat.

The ride back reflects our new normal. No radio, no conversation, nothing but nothing. Changing the tire for her, Vic looks down at me, "Where did you go this morning?"

The sun is partially blocking her features and I can't read her face, although I'm not sure it would tell me much anyway.

"Nowhere special." Spinning the last lug nut.

"Thanks, Walt."

"You're welcome."

Before she passes me on the side of the road to get back in the truck she makes her last attempt.

"I don't want to work like this anymore."

My head falls to the side because I almost give up. Give up on everything.

"Ok"

"That's all I get Walt is ok?"

"What do you want?"

"I don't know maybe for you to talk to me again."

"We talk, Vic."

Before I can get the smile to perch on my lips as camouflage for my inadequacies she is gone. Her county truck heads down Countyline Road and away from me. I curse the wind and drive the opposite direction.


	3. Here and Now - Chapter 3

I head home and call Ruby.

"Call me at home if something comes up."

"Ok, Walter."

I want to start in on the case of Rainier cooling in the fridge but I am still on-duty. Instead I start a pot of coffee. I dial the unfamiliar number on the back of the standard county business card.

"Hello, this is Bob."

"Bob, it's Walt Longmire."

"Walt"

"Ah, listen sorry to bother you; ah any chance you have some free time this week."

"What did you have in mind?"

My hand twists on my hip just like it did when I was a little boy nervous about asking my Dad for something.

"Things are..well…pretty damn bad."

"Name it, then."

"What, now?"

"You called me"

"Johnson's Junction south parking lot in 30 minutes."

"Ok. I'm in a black Tahoe. See you then."

I radio Ruby and tell her I'm on the air. I get there first and back into a stall in the most southern part of the parking lot. The black Tahoe creeps in the parking lot and rolls to a gentle stop just next to my door so the drivers' doors are side by side and can't open. A move that cannot be mistaken for any other, ever.

"Where were you on the job?"

Bob takes his framed sunglasses off and switches them with his frameless eye-wear. The cobalt darts do not avoid me.

"Ten years in the Corp, another 12 for LAPD, and finished out 15 more at Lewis and Clark County Sheriff's Department. Officially retired for ten years but got my Ph.D. somewhere in the middle of all that after my life went to hell because of the God forsaken job I used to do and the one you still do."

His eyes haven't deflected and they cut right through me. I know this dog will hunt and will never let go. Instinctively, I know this is a good thing.

"You wanna start over, Walt? No bullshit this time."

I look out of my open window, past him, and into the vast open space of my home state and the words come without restraint, without protection, without shame, this time. I flow into the murky deep riptides and regurgitate the entire nauseating history of the past five years.

As the last bit of words drip out of my mouth they speak of Vic and it is unfiltered, it is unadulterated and it is for once the complete truth. I hang my head and run my fingers back through my hair, re-position my hat, and wait. I wait for the shame that doesn't come but in its place is a tidal wave of weakness, fear and uncertainty.

Bob stopped looking at me somewhere between killing David Ridges and the unofficial exhumation of Miller Beck. His eyes peer through me though as I paint the picture of spreading Martha's ashes and finding Branch's lifeless body on the flat plain adorned with expended shotgun shell casings; the red and gold creating a perverse beauty around him as they reflected in the curt Wyoming sun.

"Walt, where can we get a cup of coffee?"

After nearly a quarter of a century I know the play he is calling out of the playbook and it's the right one. The one I would audible.

I swing my thermos from the passenger seat.

"You can take the lid. I'll take the bottle."

"Copy that"

I pour Bob a full thermos cup and the steam billows up from the metal.

The reality of my words drifts about us and eventually blows out into the vastness with the early dusky breeze across the rolling hills.

"Where do you want to start?"

I look at Bob as I seriously consider his question.

"The beginning"

"This starts with you forgiving yourself, Walt. Forgiving yourself for not being with Martha when she was stabbed and killed."

"I can't forgive myself for something I am guilty of."

"It's not your fault."

"It is"

"Walt, saying its your fault is like telling an 8 year old girl it was her fault her uncle raped her. Like she shouldn't have worn the pretty yellow dress because she knew he would like it."

"That's different."

"Tell me how."

"I'm not an 8 year old girl"

"But right now you feel like she would."

I slowly swallow the hot coffee that has cooled in my mouth and my eyes are burning a hole through the darkened eyes looking back at me.

"It's not your fault just like it's not hers but just like her you are killing yourself with guilt and with shame. Until you forgive yourself you cannot, we cannot, move forward. You will be here, Walt, in this place, forever."

Bob finishes his coffee as his words box with the pain. He backs his Tahoe out, and pulls forward again about four feet away, he opens the door and steps out. I figure he's gonna take a leak but he doesn't he just stands there and he's looking at me.

"We gonna fight now?" I'm half serious when I ask him.

"That's up to you."

I pour the rest of my coffee out on the ground and it makes an instant trail on the uneven pavement. Stepping out of my Bronco I know I can kick his ass but I also know it would take serious commitment to get it done, a commitment that is not in my heart, not at this moment.

"Take a look around. There's no one here"

"Yup"

He opens his arms.

I stand there.

He moves closer and my arms fly up, my palms strike his arms away.

"Come on, Bob. Knock it off."

He moves closer. I shove him in his barrel chest.

He moves suddenly. I didn't expect it and the surprise quickness of his movement catches me flat footed. His arms lock around me, my hat falls off, and he isn't letting go.

"Get off of me, man."

"Walt when is the last time someone held you?"

"I told you about the hospital"

"You held her, Walt not the other way around."

"It's ok, son"

"No" my voice is deep and gravely, "No, it's not"

The pain is losing its battle with his words. His arms are big and his grip is tightening. It's hard to breathe but I think that is his point.

He is quiet and I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. His warmth cuts through my jacket and my shirt.

"It's not your fault, Walt."

I can't speak.

"It's not your fault, Walt."

I can feel the knot in my stomach move to my throat.

"It's not your fault, Walt."

My lower lip quivers

"It's not your fault, Walt."

His arms tighten and the reverberation of his voice echoes against my chest.

"It's not your fault, son."

My face crumbles in small pieces, pieces I can't control, pieces I can't put back. The shriek bounces back from the open space like a boomerang and the tears flow as my fingers clutch the back of his shirt. I tug and pull as the water flows from my eyes, spit from my mouth and snot from my nose. It's ugly and it hurts.

I can hear my own wails but I can't stop them. You need to understand that I cannot stop them. I cannot stop them. My legs can no longer support me and I fall to my knees and Bob is on his knees. His arms around me.

"I'm so sorry, Martha. I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry."

My refrain repeats against his ear, against the wind, and they dissipate with my frequency.

"It's not your fault, son."

I wish I could tell you how long we were like that but I can't you see, in those moments, I no longer had the understanding of time nor of dimension, only the visceral knowledge of the permeating relentless pain ripping me apart and, in the end, the delicate and fragile understanding of forgiveness.


	4. Here and Now - Chapter 4

Bob suggested I take a sick day tomorrow I am no different than any other suspect that has finally confessed to their heinous crimes, and like them, I will sleep. When I finally get back to my cabin, my legs are so heavy I can barely make the hop to the porch and through my doorway.

As I pick up the phone to call Ferg the next step becomes agonizingly evident; I am holding it in my hand and I wait for the next wave of nausea to take hold. I grip the handset, not wanting to let go as my fingers trace the keys and buttons on the answering machine. I listen one more time, closing my eyes, holding my breath so I can't hear my breathing interrupting her melodic voice, a voice I store in my head and heart, forever.

Reassuring myself, I rummage through the top desk drawer looking for the instruction manual, and convincing myself that this is the next step on my road from perdition. The page is dampened as I read it, but I follow through, my foundational lesson from Bob is to follow through, on everything, so I do. It is the one promise I have to keep for myself.

It takes several tries, you know it is never easy to hear your own voice and hear your pauses and it is complicated because of the reason I am doing this but about the fifth time through I decide less is more, "Leave a message."

Ferg answers the phone, "Ferg, I'm taking a sick day tomorrow but call me if something major comes up."

"Ok, Sheriff." His voice pitches up because his words are a question and not a statement.

The pounding on my front door wakes me from the couch still wearing my clothes from last night only my belt and boots are on the floor. My eyes are voluntarily stuck together because they don't want to open but they do and the sun burns through them and through me as I swing the door open. The tall silhouette stops the pain from the sun and I take in the fullness of my best friend standing on the opposite side of the doorframe.

"Walter. So you are alive."

Stepping aside, Henry follows me into the cabin and I hear Henry in the kitchen as I pee in the bathroom. Washing my hands I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face reflects the anguish, the relief, and the agony of the past day, of the past half-decade.

There is a sense of normalcy with Henry here but it is the new normal that I am trying to reconcile and at this moment I want to retreat, I want to stop feeling but my feelings are swirling on the surface and begin to overflow like refuse mixed with clean pure water making a cloudy mess. Like the overflow, the words cascade out, "I'm sorry."

Henry tilts his head as he swallows his sip of coffee questioning me without saying anything.

"I'm sorry for Denver." Looking down into my cup, the blackness serving as reflection for what happened there .

Our eyes sync, "I'm sorry for pulling you into the hell that came from Denver, from having to rescue me, for Miller Beck, for being in jail, for the Pony, for Deena, I'm sorry for everything Henry."

I take a breath, and Henry waits, "I'm most sorry for taking our friendship and your loyalty for granted because that is my biggest crime. I'm asking for your forgiveness, Henry."

His face is serious; his enigmatic smile does not appear as he sets his coffee on the table and his hesitation sets in momentary panic.

"Walter, you do not need my forgiveness you need your own."

"I need both."

"You have mine. You always have. There should be no question."

I nod, my lips thinly pursed, as understanding passes between us.

"You do not look ill."

"What?"

"I called the station to take you to lunch since I had business in town but Ruby said you called in sick. You have never taken a sick day in your life so I became concerned and came to make sure you were still alive."

"I'm trying to be."

Henry holds his cup in his hands, "Trying to be, what?"

"Trying to be alive."

His eyebrows arch and close ranks, "Something has changed."

I follow with silence, not from an unwillingness to talk, not from a delay in processing my thoughts but my silence serves as respect for the power of the words that follow, "I want to live again and I want it for me."

Henry finishes his coffee and doesn't say another word about it; the man understands me like no other.

"Lunch?"

Looking down at my naked wrist, "What time is it?"

"It is half past twelve."

"Sorry, Henry I have to be somewhere in an hour."

"You slept all night?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Henry's eyes survey the small space of my cabin, "Usually you leave evidence of drunkenness. I do not see beer cans anywhere."

Reminded of my pathetic descent, "I didn't have anything to drink."

He studies my countenance and his warm welcoming smile appears for the first time, "Ok, I will leave you to it."

"Thanks, Henry."

I follow him to the door and his hand finds my shoulder, squeezing firmly, "I will see you later."

"Yup." I look him in the eye reaffirming our conversation.

As I close the door behind Henry, I place my hand on the wooden frame, standing still against the door, steadying myself from the sudden surge of doubt that nearly overwhelms me. The hot shower that ensues begins to calm my nerves but heading to meet Bob at the turnout at mile marker 20 the doubts resurface.

I'm early but he is already there. I pull the Bronco just next to the Tahoe.

"You sleep?"

"Yup"

"Call in?"

"Yup"

"How do you feel?"

"Like hell."

Bob still doesn't smile but his face is a little more relaxed than yesterday.

"Just so you know, that's to be expected, but it will get better. Stick with it."

I nod.

"Did you write down your course of action?"

"Actually, Bob, I didn't." I watch is face for disappointment but the grooves, divots and lines looking back at me don't change expression.

"I changed the answering machine." My fingers re-grip the steering wheel holding it tighter. "But ah Henry, my best friend, came by my cabin. I wasn't expecting him but it went well."

"You want to tell me about it?"

Bob listens intently without interruption as I relay the conversation I had with Henry only minutes ago.

"Walt, I'm glad it went so well, but I caution you not to be overzealous in your attempts with Cady."

There is silence between us as I ponder his words as I am anything but overzealous.

His words have meaning though.

"Have you considered when you will speak with Cady?"

"I have something in mind but I'm working it out, you know, in my head."

He is relentless.

"What about your deputies?"

"No, Bob, I don't know where exactly to begin there."

"May I make a gentle suggestion?"

I look into the steely blue eyes and nod.

"This will take you out of your comfort zone."

"Even more?!" My voice pitches up and I shake my head finding the humor in the situation.

Bob actually smiles back at me, "Yeah. You wanna hear it?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"A group session."

"A group session"

"Yeah, with you included."

I relax my fingers from the wheel and my fingers are ghostly white, I stretch them, and reapply my grip. I want to keep trusting him but the knot in my stomach protests.

"Why?"

"It's not just your grief."

I stare.

"You don't own their grief, Walt. You don't have a right to."

He stares back.

"You can't fix it for them."

I look down at my knuckles, completely without color, and back out over the highway, never loosening my grip. The all too familiar anger begins to swirl in the pit of my stomach.

"Walt, think about it as an option, it's not set in concrete but know that if we do this it will mean you will be exposed. It means the mask, the façade you present, it all comes down."

"So you want my entire Sheriff's staff to take up camp in your office with me being the centerpiece is that what you have in mind?"

"No. More like me coming to your Sheriff's office and you being the team leader."

I know enough to know the reference to tactics is on purpose and despite the swelling anger it is effective.

"I'll think about it."

"Fair enough. Do know the longer you wait the harder it will be to set things right, if at all."

Like the rabid dog he is he won't let go.

"I'll sleep on it."

"Same time tomorrow?"

I release my grip on the steering wheel, tuck my chin down, and look at him acknowledging with a nod.


	5. Here and Now - Chapter 5

Bob rolls up to the turnout and I tell him of my plan.

"Call me afterward, Walt."

"That bad of a plan, huh?"

"No, but I would prefer if you would check in with me."

"I'm not going to do anything stupid, Bob."

"Walt, are you really ready to get real here?"

"I'm here."

"Does your daughter know who you really are?"

I feel my face contort at the surface stupidity of his question.

"Give me a break."

"If this is your getting real you are only fooling yourself, Walt and you know it."

I hate this. Bob sees through all of my bullshit, he sees through the front and the posturing that the world is so easily seduced by.

He doesn't badger me or beat me with the truth, with my truth, but he doesn't need to. His point is made.

"You must be authentic."

"Got it"

He takes off and I sit at the turnout collecting my thoughts staring out at the empty highway.

Cady meets me on Saturday morning and we head out on Shadow. She holds on tight like she did when she was a little girl and the fondness of those memories are helping to sabotage any efforts I make to put up my natural defenses. I have distanced myself from my daughter much like I have distanced myself from all of those I love.

"Where are we having lunch?"

"Someplace special."

We stop under Martha's tree. Cady dismounts and I follow her.

"I wanted to bring you here to visit your mom with me, to spend some time with me, and hopefully we could talk a little bit."

Cady folds her arms and her hand comes up to her face covering her mouth.

"I scattered moms ashes here, Cady." I look at her from behind as she looks at the tree. Her head hangs down and I slowly make my way over to her. I want to hold my baby like I did the day she was born but it is a parental fantasy and it won't erase all of the harm and pain that has gone before us, and between us, since her moms murder.

This isn't the way I wanted it to go but it's here now.

I step a little closer to her, "I wanted to tell you I was sorry, Punk. Sorry, for being so consumed with my own grief and anger that I ignored your own grief. I was so inside myself I didn't ask you if you wanted to spread your moms ashes with me and I should have asked you. You are our only baby. The only proof of the love I shared with your mom. You are the most important person in the world to me and I have not been treating you that way.

The tears are there, as I knew they would be and the fierceness is there too as she stares at me.

"Where did you spread mom's ashes, exactly?"

I walk her over to our spot and point; describing the brilliance of the sun, that day, and the tears stain my cheeks remembering Martha, her death and the pain I have caused our daughter.

Cady falls into my arms not bothering to hide her tears or her pain from me as she grabs my shirt holding on as if it is for her life.

"It's ok, Cady."

"Is it, Dad?"

"I want it to be, ok. I want us to start over."

We sit.

"You never really talk to me. You have a way of just shutting me out."

"I know we have held secrets and I know I taught you to be that way, not your mom, and I want us both to be honest with each other. I don't want to shut you out anymore. You're all I've got, kiddo. I don't want to lose you."

"Why, now, after all we have gone through? Why this sudden change?"

I sit on the grass in this beautiful space with so many wonderful and painful memories. If I don't let the mask down now I may never get another chance.

You know, just as I do, that we never want our kids to see our weaknesses, or fears, because we fear we will lose their respect. This is the part, this is the part Bob warned me about.

"I know I will lose you if I don't change."

"Change how, Dad?"

I try to smile, "You know, like this, just talking."

Cady wipes the tears from her eyes and I hand her my handkerchief and take her hand in mine.

"Listen, Cady, I'm always going to try to protect you because I'm your father but I realize that I am to blame for teaching you to hide your feelings."

She is looking through me as I continue.

"When I got so angry at you because you were dating Branch it wasn't because you were dating him but because I am the one that modeled the behavior that made it ok for you to hide it and I don't want to do that anymore."

Cady looks down at her hands folded in her lap.

"Just like it took a Denver PD search warrant for me to tell you about what I did in there. How can I expect you to be honest with me when I'm not doing the same. Don't you see?"

"I see, Dad."

We sit taking in the landscape.

"Why now?"

I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around my knees, hanging my head down, my eyes close because somehow I think it will make the words come out easier and I won't have to see them bite the air.

"I want to live again, Cady. I don't want to die alone."

I feel her hand on mine.

"If I can't get real about the pain I have stored up, the anger that's just under the surface not only will I die I'm gonna end up by myself; a washed up old shell of a man. I don't want that, Cady but if I keep stuffing it down and isolating everyone I care about that's what will happen."

I can feel my lip quiver and I realize I've never really cried in front of my daughter. Not really cried and I am sincerely afraid to let it go.

"But here's the other part, Cady, the most important part. I don't want you to end up like me."

I look at her, refusing to turn my eyes away although they were filling with tears, "If you stay like me, full of secrets, you will end up broken and alone. I love you too much not to commit to my only child."

The lump is there, it hurts, I don't stop it, and I sob. She needs to see it, touch it, feel it and know that it's real.

We sit under Martha's tree and we cry together. Tears that are long overdue; tears we never shed together in the last five years, in the place we never visited together, but here joined by our immense pain we begin our journey of healing together as Martha would want. As father and daughter inseparably bound by love, by fate, by a promise of truth and revelation.

"Dad, will you come with me to visit Branch? I'm so afraid to visit his grave." My arms collapse around her affording her protection and strength.

"Yes. I'm sure Branch would like that. To know we are there together."

I hold her until the tears cease and she looks at me just as she did as a tiny little girl, "Thank you, Dad. I love you so much."

"I love you, Punk."

We eventually eat our peanut butter sandwiches and somewhere between halves, she asks me the question I never saw coming, a question that sends me into a tailspin.

"I don't know how to answer that, Cady."

"So, this talk, it was all for nothing?"

"Of course not. I just don't know how to answer you because I don't know the answer. I've never said anything and if I had I would tell you."

She sits in silence contemplating me and accepts my answer.

"How about next Saturday?"

Her head tilts to the side waiting for the rest of my question.

"Let's go see Branch next Saturday."

A bittersweet crooked smile appears on her lovely face and she nods, "I would like that."

Later that evening I call Bob as I promised I would.

"How did it go?"

"Well. Considering."

He does the silent treatment on the phone just as he does in person.

"I didn't bullshit her, Bob. It was hard but we made it through and we are going to visit Branch next Saturday. We are going together."

"What do you think about that?"

"I think it will be a tough Saturday." I pull the façade down. "But I'm really glad Cady and I will be together when we go."

"How are you feeling?"

"I still feel sick to my stomach but I managed a couple of peanut butter sandwiches today."

"Are you still sleeping through the night?"

"Yes."

"Have you considered the possibility of the group session?"

"I have."

"And"

"Bob, just the logistics of it would make it nearly impossible."

"Are they worth saving or are you the only one?"

"You are a son-of-a-bitch. Do you know that?"

"Walt, what are you going to do, here? Right now."

It is my turn to be silent as I press the phone against my ear, my fingers tighten around the receiver, and I summon up the truth.

"I'm trying to figure out how I am going to survive all of this, Bob."

"Walt, you are the one man strong enough to do what is needed, otherwise you never would have come to see me in the first place."

"Can we do it in two weeks? I have to call Cumberland County to see if they can handle our calls for a couple of days in case it goes bad and I'm keeping my promise to Cady for this Saturday and I don't know how that will go."

"It is good that you are planning on keeping your promises to Cady."

"Cady asked me about Vic." The words sting as they come out.

"What did she ask you?"

"If Vic knew I was in love with her." It's only the second time I've said it out loud and both times were to Bob. Not exactly, how I ever pictured it. I assure you.

"What did you say?"

"That I didn't know because I don't know."

"Do you want to change that?"

"Change what?"

He doesn't answer. That's his way. Making me work.

"Bob, you know it's complicated."

"I know that you have a lot of work to do and what you have done so far is good but it's also been safe."

"What? What do you mean safe?" The anger has risen from it's hiding place.

"I am not diminishing your courage, Walt. You have started well and I want you to own your actions because you are facing your demons but, now listen to the part after the but because it's the most important, you have been honest with the two people who love you."

"That's what you call safe? "

"Yes, exactly. Your talk with Vic will not be safe."

I stand facing my bookcase, the phone base pressed against my thigh, receiver against my ear and I hang my head at the truth.

"She may not love you back Walt you need to consider that just as you need to consider that she does. Either way, this is a conversation you have with me present, I want you to feel safe when you make your revelation."

"I don't want to do this"

His silence is like a voice of reason.

"Tuesday. Can we do it next Tuesday?"

"Yes."

"I really could kick your ass."

"I would kick back, Walt."

I manage a smile on the other end of the phone.

"You are doing well, son. Get some rest, hydrate and eat. You have my number if you want to talk."

"Bob." I wait to make sure I mean it. "Thanks."


	6. Here and Now - Chapter 6

Vic is just unhitching the trailer when I pull up.

"Good morning"

"Hey." She looks up, shielding her eyes from the sun with the blade of her hand, "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks."

I move to the shoulder of the road on the side of both trucks to form a protective barrier for us both figuratively and literally.

"Hey, ah, Vic, you have any plans for Tuesday?"

Her hand falls from her face and hits her thigh, "Damn, Walt, it's my first day off in 10 days."

"I know." I put my hands on my hips and look around as if someone is sneaking up on us.

"I don't want you to work. I need to ask you a favor."

The look of disgust dissipates just a tad. She rolls her eyes just a bit, you know, the way she does.

"What?"

Clearing my throat, "I have an appointment over at County health services and I want you to come with me."

"Walt, first the sick day now this. What's wrong and don't fucking lie about it."

I check the horizon one more time looking for someone in the middle of nowhere who may hear what I have to say. "Last week when you asked me where I was going?"

"Yeah"

"I went to see a psychologist." I wait for her response but there isn't one because I think it's more like shock than disbelief.

"He made me write down an action plan, with the emphasis on action and I've been following it and anyway he wants to be there when we talk."

"Why?"

"He says I, or we, need a safe environment."

"You're not planning to kill me are you?"

I smile so she smiles.

"I think it's more like to guide the discussion because well we know that's not my best quality."

She looks, her hand back to her face blocking the sun, her face winces as if she is trying to read the lines surrounding my eyes and asks, "What time, Tuesday."

"Um,11:30 does that work for you?"

"Only if you buy me lunch afterward."

The interrogation never comes. My hand comes up just a bit from my hip, "Thanks, Vic."

"Sure."

I get to the Bronco and look back at the horizon with the sun lighting Vic up like and angel.

I hope Bob knows what he is doing because I sure don't.

It's 11:15 and Vic is already in the parking lot. She meets me at the door of the Bronco with a large cup of coffee with my name emblazoned in black thick marker on the side of the cup.

"I figured you might want a cup of coffee and I got you a bagel. You look skinnier than usual."

"Thank you, Vic." Bob warned me that will all the emotional stuff coming up my appetite may be affected and it has been.

"You ready to get this shit over with?"

I don't know whether I should laugh or cry but I've been crying a lot lately and don't really a want to do anymore of it so I smile but I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm afraid I will humiliate myself but I know this is necessary for me and for us on so many levels.

Vic heads toward the front door but I point, "Oh, hey lets go this way."

"What's up with that?"

"Ah, we don't have to go through the front. You know ah because I don't want to call attention to me being here."

"Oh, that's why you told me to park in back."

"Yeah."

Bob is waiting for us with the side door open. He extends his meaty palm to Vic, "Hi, Bob Chandler, you must be Vic." His smile is bright and warm just as it was for me on our first day.

Vic is in front of me but I can imagine the smile she gives back, "Vic Moretti, nice to meet you Bob."

As she passes, Bob firmly shakes my hand and slaps my shoulder but the slap is tender and supportive.

"Walt."

"Bob."

Vic waits for me with her hands on thighs as I motion to one of the overstuffed leather chairs. Vic's nervous smile fuels my own and I don't know what is going to happen or really how we are going to do this but I trust Bob and that this is right.

Bob takes the third chair, the point in the triangle, his cobalt eyes peer through his frameless frames.

"Vic, is it ok if I call you Vic?"

"Yes, please." She looks at Bob then over to me not sure what to expect.

"Vic, thank you for coming this morning. I want to begin this process by explaining the lay of the land." He looks over at me, "Walt, sought my assistance a couple of weeks ago because of the traumatic stress the department has endured the past year, particularly with the death of Deputy Connally."

Vic looks over at me, her legs crossed her hands in her lap, perfectly perching her cup of coffee, and she is serious.

He brings his full attention to Vic, "From what Walt has explained to me your entire department staff has experienced a variety of critical incidents and they can have a singular and/or a cumulative effect. Now, Vic, it is important that you understand that any participation here today, is completely voluntary and at anytime you want to leave you can."

"You reading me my rights, Bob?" She is half serious and half joking.

"In a way, yes." I should have warned her about Bob. He's not taking her shit, either, but he is much more gentle with her that much is obvious.

Bob opens his hands as if he is going to offer us something, "From a clinical stand point, I would like to debrief the entire department together and Walt has made arrangements for us to do that next week and Vic you will be invited a part of that process as well."

She looks over at me questioning Bob's words.

"Cumberland County is going to cover for us for a couple of days." I explain.

She shakes her head in agreement and her eyes go back to Bob.

"Today is more about the relationship," at that word my stomach tightens, "between you and Walt." Vic's eyes don't move from him.

"I'm here to more or less facilitate the conversation and really, Vic, to make sure both of you are in a safe place and aren't forcing each other to talk about anything you aren't ready to talk about or deal with."

Bob looks over at me and back at Vic addressing both of us, "As part of the rules, we will be respectful of each other even if we have differing opinions, we can express ourselves without judgment. Vic are you ok with us moving forward?"

Vic nods her head, "Yeah, Bob, I am." She rubs her thigh and gives him a quick but nervous grin.

"Walt, are you okay with us moving forward?"

I look at Vic and back at Bob, "Yes."

I see my name on the back of the coffee cup and I pick it up and take a long swallow.

"Walt would you like to start us off with telling Vic a little about what brought you here?"

"Ah sure." Vic's eyes are unflinching. She is hanging on every word. "Well, I know I'm not, or rather, I wasn't handling my feelings too well about Martha, about Branch, about everything that mattered really. No matter what tact I took it just created more roadblocks for me and you know I was ok with that for a long time until, I ah, I realized how much it was affecting other people."

Her expression hasn't changed. I don't want to pick up the coffee because I'm afraid my hand will shake.

"It didn't hit me how bad it was until you drove off and away from me on Countyline Road."

She looks down, remembering.

"Vic, um, at that moment," I can hear my voice catch but it's strong, "I knew I had run out of time."

I motion to Bob, "I had already talked to Bob about some of the things going on in the department but I realized that part of the problems we are having are maybe made worse because of my leadership style and when you drove away, I don't know Vic, it hit me hard."

"I'm sorry, Walt. I never meant to hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me, you helped save me."

There is silence in the room.

"Walt, what do you mean by that, maybe you could explain it to Vic."

"Well, I really respect what you think, Vic. We are friends and all but, you are usually the one that can bring me out of my shell and be patient with me. When you drove off I knew you were done with me and the thought of you being done with me was so painful it sorta snapped me into the reality of where I have been emotionally."

I continue, finding comfort in knowing Bob is there to keep me on the rails, "I've been a lousy friend to you. I don't ask how you are or how you have been since your divorce. It's not that I don't care or not that I don't want to know. I get confused over the boundaries over what I can say or not say. When am I the boss or when am I your friend."

I look down at my boots, then the coffee cup, then my boots and my eyes come up to meet Vic's.

"The other thing that stops me is the tremendous guilt I feel for your marriage falling apart. You see, Vic, um, I've um developed you know…ah…strong feelings for you and I have had those feelings for a long time."

Vic remains stoic but she is intently listening.

Bob sees that I am stuck. "Walt, you mentioned feeling guilty. In what way?"

"Well, Vic, you know I could have offered you time off to spend time with Sean. I'm not talking about a few hours but you know real time off. Also, at the hospital after the thing with Chance, you were with me instead of Sean and for a moment I actually thought I should say something but the truth, the truth of the matter is, I didn't want to because I wanted you with me."

"Walt, we are partners."

"We are that but, Vic, I don't know how you are going to feel about this." I look at Bob for reassurance and he doesn't press me. I struggle with finding the words.

"Walt, if you want to stop there, it's ok." He gently helps me.

"No, I, um, Bob I'm ok."

Vic gets up and sits on the coffee table that separates us all. She squares up in front of me, leans forward, takes my hands and says, "Walt, whatever it is, I will still be here. I promise, I won't walk out or walk away from you ever again."

She turns to Bob, "Is this ok to do?"

Bob, straight faced, "Walt, are you ok?"

I nod and hold her hands as I slowly look up at her and Bob simply disappears from my view, "Vic, the truth is, I am in love with you and have been for a long time. As much as I tried not to let it influence me I'm not so sure it hasn't and I feel a tremendous sense of responsibility for your marriage not working and I feel guilty for loving you."

Her eyes are serious and she swallows hard. I can see the vein in her neck throbbing as she mutters, "Wow." She reaches up and wipes a tear from her eye and on cue Bob hands her a box of tissues.

She looks up at him, "Thank you."

"Vic, are you ok?" Bob's voice is nearly a whisper but it's strong.

She nods her head and says, "Yeah, I am."

"I'm sorry, Vic."

She shakes her head. Two tear drops fall from her cheeks.

"Let me collect my thoughts for a moment." Vic bows her head.

I close my eyes because I'm too embarrassed to look at her, my throat feels like it's closed, my stomach is in knots, but what's odd is the sense of relief I feel. The pressure of keeping this secret and all of the complications in hiding it are gone.

I fill my lungs with air and I can hear myself blow it out, truly alleviating my body of the strain, my eyes open to meet Vic's.

I offer a small smile, she looks down at my hands, "We have a lot to talk about." I shake my head.

Vic turns to Bob, "I hope you don't have an appointment anytime soon Bob because we gotta a lotta shit to talk about here."

Bob resumes his position at the head of the triangle.

"I'm here for as long as you two need me."

Vic turns towards Bob, "That's good to know." Then she turns back towards me, "Because, I'm in love with you."


	7. Here and Now - Chapter 7

If, right now, I told you that I don't know how to react would you believe me? I hope you do because I don't and can't explain anything to her. Looking down at our hands, I notice for the first time how small her hands are but they are strong and they are touching me as more than friends, more than partners, they are touching me, the man. My thumbs run over hers and right now, I wish I could tell you that I thought of romantic musings and it was all sunshine and rainbows but it's not, it's not that, at all.

"Did we just fuck everything up?" She says like she didn't mean to say it out loud.

Bob stays silent but he's back in that intellectual interrogator position, his elbows are resting on his thighs, his fingers are pressed together making the perfect teepee and his eyes are locked on us. He is respectful though, and he is silent, just listening without intruding.

"I don't know."

I search her eyes because it is probably the most important question we have for each other.

"Vic, your question is relevant. What do you think about it?" Bob stays on point.

I open my hands releasing hers, take a tissue, and softly wipe the moisture from her face.

Her voice is stuffy, "Thank you."

Vic moves back to her overstuffed chair, "I think we have fucked everything up, Bob. I really do."

"Vic, are you comfortable explaining what you mean?"

"I'm not sure what I mean. I just know that we live in this little ass town, and work on this little ass department and we both have serious fucking issues."

"What issues have you identified for yourself that are of concern?"

"Just how much time you got, Bob?" Vic smirks but Bob doesn't take the bait just as I knew he wouldn't and he sits silently watching Vic.

"Well let's see my divorce was final about 6 months ago, I slept with a cop at my old department but didn't know he was married and when I found out I dumped him but he turned into the psycho stalker from hell when I turned in his corrupt crooked partner. I have self-esteem issues which means I overcompensate and am an overachiever with a pretty fucking vulgar mouth and the real humdinger I'm in love with my boss and have been long enough for me to realize that I was in love with him while I was married to my husband. A husband that I loved but wasn't in love with which in turn made me realize that I never should have married him in the first place. He was the easy out when I was running away from psycho stalker. All of which ultimately plays into the fact that I am now divorced and sitting in this office talking to you and terrified I may be running to Walt for all the wrong reasons."

I lower my head as I listen to her truth.

"Walt, what are you feeling?"

"I feel lost."

"In what way?"

I look at Bob and then at Vic, "Just lost."

Neither one of them speak and finally I am able to say, "I have spent so long trying to deny how I feel that I never thought about any possibilities or implications. I'm just simply, lost."

The room stays silent. There's no tension just relief and questions. Questions without any answers and I'm not sure we will have any semblance of answers anytime soon.

"I think this may be a good time for us to break."

Vic nods in agreement and I look over at Bob and silently nod my head.

"If possible, I would like for us to meet again tomorrow because you both have taken a very large step today and there may be residual emotions from our conversation today."

I already know all too well, what he means by residual emotions I have been an emotional tsunami for the past two weeks but just like a tsunami, it all starts well below the surface.

Looking up, for the first time my eyes don't look away, "Vic, will you come back with me tomorrow?"

"Yeah." She's not crying anymore but her face is sullen.

We sit for a while, in silence, as we both wrap our heads about what just happened. Bob gives us the time and tells us we don't have to hurry.

In the parking lot, I ask Vic to follow me and I head out Arrowhead Regional Park.

Unpacking my Coleman cooler Vic doesn't make a fuss about the lunch she didn't exactly have in mind today.

We eat our peanut butter sandwiches in near silence after I explain that my stomach hasn't been able to handle much more than that along with a banana and some water. She manages a laugh and says I have the right idea.

We don't talk about what we just talked about instead we just sit and eat. I can tell you from experience that there are no two ways that are the same when people begin to process and rationalize a life-altering event and I think today qualifies as life altering for both of us. Therefore, we do what comes natural; we avoid it like the plague and talk about everything else.

At various points during the day, I think about everything that happened this morning and I vacillate between bliss and terror as I scrutinize my thoughts and actions of the past year. Tonight, as I lay in bed alone, I must admit to you that a big part of me pines for the night that Vic is here beside me, for the many nights she could be here beside me.

I toss and turn unable to sleep as the anxiety fills every part of my being. I roll over and before I can really think about what I'm doing I dial the seven digits to the one other person that probably feels the same way.

"You still up?" My voice is all gravely and grainy, you know the way I sound when I first wake up.

"Is everything ok?"

"I just wanted to tell you goodnight."

She doesn't say anything but I'm not worried and I'm not panicked as I wait on the line and a few moments later her voice is soft and smooth like she is thinking about the fact that I called her for something other than work, "Good night."

I hang up the phone and watch as I put the receiver back on the phone. For the first time, in a very long time, I feel a sense of hope and it is very welcome.


	8. Here and Now - Chapter 8

Vic's hair is pulled tight in a ponytail and it hops and bounces around as she walks toward me. The bags under her eyes confirm that she, like me, did not sleep very well last night and a flow of guilt cascades through me because I am the direct cause of her strife.

"Thank you for coming back with me." I manage a half-smile, "I appreciate it, Vic." I hold up her coffee, "My turn this morning."

She is nonchalant in her retort, you know the way she covers up when she is scared, "You're welcome, Walt." She looks down and back up at me, "I figure this is as much about me as it is you." I glide my hand across hers as I turn to walk toward the side door.

"Thank you for the coffee."

Bob is waiting for us and he looks like he sleep like an angel last night.

"Good morning!" He says like the world is just waiting on us before the sun will begin to shine again.

I shake his hand with equal parts firmness and determination, "Mornin' Bob."

Stepping aside, he reaches out and shakes Vic's hand and I follow her through the door to our respective seats in his office. Suddenly, I feel out of breath, but not like I'm dying more like I'm exhausted and I want to stop.

"How are you this morning, Vic?" Bob sounds sincere as he always does.

"A little tired but I sorta expected that after yesterday."

"Walt, how are you feeling this morning?"

"Pretty exhausted."

"Have you been sleeping?"

"Tossed and turned." I look over at Vic "Like the past couple of years."

I'm pretty sure Bob takes a mental note but he moves on, "We covered a lot of ground yesterday and I am glad both of you are committed to the process and really to yourselves and each other. This morning, I would like to begin with what you both think about yesterday's revelations?"

I lean down looking at my boots.

"Walt, let's start with you."

Still staring at my ropers, I'm talking to myself giving myself permission to be honest and also trying to encourage myself. The most difficult part of this is behind me I tell myself.

"Uhm…" I look up at Vic; finally, "I suppose what I worry about the most was answered yesterday. You know that uhm you feel the same way." I smile.

I want to sit next to her and put her tiny hands in mine so she can stop fidgeting with her fingers, you know how she does when she is worried about something. She doesn't have her wedding ring to play with anymore. I had a love hate relationship with that ring. I hated that she was married but I loved that it reminded me that she was married. It kept me in check. Odd, I suppose.

Bob offers, "Vic, how do you feel about yesterday?"

"Well, I guess I'm like Walt in that I am happy he loves me. It seems weird saying it in this context." She gives me a nervous smile. "I'm flat out scared not worried."

"Can you elaborate on that, Vic?"

She looks at Bob and swallows hard her voice is low but it is steady, "I'm really afraid Walt will break my heart and that makes me want to just ignore what we said."

My heart skips a few beats at her words. That is a real possibility and it's a real possibility she will break mine.

"Walt?"

I look up at Bob and then over at Vic. My hands rest on my thighs. My lips purse and I speak directly from my heart, "For a long time I have wondered why I have been able to carry on without Martha. You know being able to patch it together and in part of this whole thing I've realized that I want to live and I shouldn't feel bad about that even though I have. I know, deep down, that I have carried on, in part, because of the love I have for you. For the possibilities of what that may mean."

Vic wipes her eyes with one of the tissues from Bob's tissue box and my heart breaks from the pain I have put in her heart. I move over to her and kneel on my right knee, taking her free hand in mine.

"I don't want to cause you any more pain, Vic." She looks at me through red eyes. "Just knowing you love me is enough to sustain me."

As the words smoothly flow from my lips there aren't any barriers from their meaning or effect; there's no lump in my throat, my heart isn't racing, and my hands are steady.

"Where do we go from here, though? After everything we've been through. After everything we fucking said yesterday and what we didn't fucking say?"

I study her eyes, "I think where we go isn't important, Vic. I think how we go is what's important."

"How we go?"

"Yes."

My hands are resting on her knees and touching her feels comfortable. She rests her other hand on top of mine as I answer her, "We go one step at a time. We go at our pace. We go together."

She wipes her eyes once more as I whisper, "Thank you for being here….being here with me….helping me through to the other side of this."

For the first time insofar I can remember Vic smiles at me fully and lightly touches my cheek quickly bringing her hand back down to her lap.

I move back to my seat and Vic asks, "Walt, I don't know how you feel about this but after the debriefing next week would it be ok if we kept coming to see Bob? I mean until we get our footing?"

"Yup, of course." I exhale at the relief that she is open and that I am open to the possibility of there being a "we".

Bob asks, "Vic, I sense that there is more you would like to say?"

"Just the irony of the toughest man I ever met being in therapy and me sitting in it with him is not escaping me. I mean this is serious shit and it speaks volumes of how bad things are because he's here and I'm here, too."

"And"

"And it just proves to me that Walt is the man I always thought he was because he knew he needed help and he got it."

She looks at me.

"I'm really proud of you." She touches her heart with the crumpled tissue, "I'm proud of us, Walt."

Bob smiles his massive smile and for the first time in nearly five years I can see clear unobstructed daylight.


	9. Here and Now - Chapter 9

At this point, after all this purging and revelation, I wish I could tell you I felt better but I don't. In many ways, I still feel lost because everything has changed. Even if I know things are terrible I can deal with it but now everything is evolving and I am not on solid ground

I walk Vic to her truck, "Vic, I can't thank you enough for doing this with me. You ah know ah having you here with me makes all the difference." I don't know what is expected of either of us because our secrets are no longer secret.

She stands between the open door and the seat facing me and the connection that has always existed between us feels electrified but the flux of emotion is almost too much. I step in, standing close, allowing my fingers to trace her shoulder, "I kinda owe you a decent lunch can I make it up to you tonight with dinner? Nothing awkward, I'm meeting Henry and Cady at the Pony and it would be nice to have you there." I look into her strained features and add, "with me."

She is very serious now when she looks at me, "Can I think about it, Walt? This is just so much, you know. What time are you meeting up?"

"1800"

She pauses, "Ok, I will think about it?"

My stomach rumbles along with her reply, "Fair enough." I touch my stomach, "Hey, do you feel queasy?" My eyes squint.

"A little. Do you?"

"Yeah, but not as bad as last week."

She gives me a half smile.

"Are you going to be alright?" I ask not accusing her.

"Yes"

"Ok"

The ride back to the station is quietly uneventful and welcome as I am alone with my thoughts. The feeling of being so open, vulnerable and naked with those that I love is unnerving and uncomfortable. On an intellectual level, I understand the absolute need to do what I am doing but with the same breath I acknowledge I cannot continue to be an open book for all to read. This is exhausting and I need to rest from the gamut of emotions that have raged an effective coup d'etat over my psyche.

Ruby and I have lunch at the station. The stillness of the station without Vic or Ferg lends an opportune time for me to introduce the concept of having a team debriefing. The unofficial sage of Absaroka County agrees that having Bob come in may be just what we need. She gets just a little misty thinking about it and it confirms that we are headed in the right direction for our total healing. Ruby rests her arthritic hand on mine and assures me it is the right decision.

There are so many things I am grateful for and Ruby is one of them. I rise and softly kiss her forehead then head into my office and finish the paperwork for the day. Ferg relieves me at 1600 and I head home to take a quick shower before dinner. The machine blinks at me but it's a hang up. I turn the knob to leave and think of calling Vic but stop and I think the better of it. No pressure is best, no expectations are even better, so I head out to meet my daughter and my best friend.

"Hey, Dad." Cady waves at me then resumes her deadly assassin pose with her tongue pressed between her teeth, eyes squinted and the dart raised at a 90 degree angle in front of her nose. She throws a bullseye and lets out a shrill.

"Ha, Henry you owe me dinner!."

"Walter, why do I allow myself to succumb to the western regional dart champion every time."

"You're a sucker for a pretty face." I greet Cady with a kiss on the cheek, "Hi, Punk. It's not fair to take advantage of the sick, lame and lazy."

We laugh. Its the first time in two weeks we have laughed together. It is nice. The heavy burdens are lifting. My family is being restored.

Cady turns to me, "How are you doing, Dad, really?"

"Better." I stop and I think I need to add more, "A lot better but more importantly how are you?"

She turns and leans her head to the side, almost as if I have never asked before, "I'm good." She studies my eyes and I know now that I don't ask as often as I should, "Actually, I'm doing pretty darned good."

She smiles and turns toward a table set for three. As we sit,"I'm glad that things are better with you. I'm relieved, actually. "

I smile back.

Coyly, she adds, "I don't want to be in your business but have you had a chance to talk to Vic, yet?"

"Yup"

"And are you doing ok with that?"

I raise my hands in the air feeling a bit exposed, "I think so."

Cady looks up with inquisitive eyes but doesn't continue.

"Hey Punk. We are taking it one minute at a time. At least I am and that's as fast as I can go right now, with everything."

"We"

I nod

Cady smiles and her eyes well just a bit, "I'm so happy for you, Dad."

"Thank you, Cady." I reach over and hold her hand in mine. "Enough about me. So my magnificent daughter remains dart champion of the Red Pony."

"Sure do! Whooo hooo"

Henry walks over with three frosty cold Rainer's on tap and takes his seat at the family table. A quick clink of the glasses and Cady offers a toast, "To new beginnings" The beer tastes as good as the toast sounded.

The crowd starts to pick up but on the rare occasion we actually eat together Henry backfills his staff and puts on an extra cook. I'm draining my second beer before dinner when Vic walks through the double slated western doors. Without giving it much thought, I excuse myself, stand, walk over and greet her at the door.

She says, "Hi" with a wryly smile like she's never been here before.

"I'm glad you made it."

I know I'm standing in no man's land occupying space but that's ok. It's like I'm seeing her for the first time all shiny and new with her hair down, t-shirt, jeans, leather jacket and boots.

"I called to tell you I wasn't coming" I step closer inside of her personal space, "then your machine picked up" My finger tip traces the outline of her thumb, her big brown eyes look up to me searching for answers, answers I don't have yet but want to find with her.


	10. Here and Now - Chapter 10

She looks good. I imagine her mouth roaming my body with free reign while soaking up the love she has stored inside for so long. After Vic caught up with two beers, we both, stopped drinking. I didn't want to miss anything about her, the roll of her eyes or the brightness of her smile, nothing to dull my senses.

After dinner, I walk her to the parking lot, and it's a cold Wyoming night. The sky is full with specks of stars smiling on us. Vic hits the remote and the truck locks unlatch, I open the door for her and she hops in the truck offering me a short smile and she pulls her hair behind her ear. It's a habit when she's nervous have you noticed it, too?

"I'm not sure what to do." I admit shyly. "Does that sound stupid?"

She shakes her head, "No, it's not stupid, at all. I don't know what to do either."

She allows my hands to rest on her thighs and I look down watching them trace the denim stretched over her body.

"Vic, my life is so simple, you know."

She looks past me, almost deflated, "I know and I know you like it that way."

I hold my finger under her chin so she is facing me. "But I want you to complicate the hell out of it." Her eyes, her smile, both give me permission, and I lean in slowly.

Our kiss is slow and warm as I savor the taste of her. I want to be ready to go home with her, to make love to her, but I'm not there, yet and I don't think she is either so I give myself permission to not ask and in so doing I realize I am opening myself completely to her.

I feel like I am falling into her as my thoughts fill with the love I have while her hand softly cups my ear.

"Good night."

"Good night."

The taillights of the truck fade into the unique blackness of country landscape. I stand in the parking lot, the cold crispness sinking into my lungs trying to push down my feelings. The feelings that are lingering on the surface and permeating my being.

As I settle down to sleep, I dial the familiar seven digits again, "You're not sleeping?" There is a hint of concern.

"Just wanted to say good night."

"Is this going to be a habit?"

"Maybe tradition is a better word."

She waits to answer me because she is realizing the seriousness of what one word change means, "That's nice," then adds,

"Good night, Walt."

"Good night, my love."

The next morning I check in with Bob for our team debriefing. Everything is set and arranged with Cumberland County. At Bob's suggestion, we are having it offsite in his office since Cumberland's deputies will be at our station.

"It's not for them, Walt. It's for your people." He reminds me.

Ruby and Ferg ride together in the Trans-Am. They follow me in the Bronco as Vic rides shotgun. The sight of Ruby in the Trans-am strikes me as funny, I don't know why, but I laugh when I see them from my rearview mirror pull into the parking lot. I bet you are laughing, too.

Vic makes her way to the side door where Bob is waiting for all of us. I take a deep breath as I pass through the doorframe; Vic catches my eye, and pauses with her hand on the forearm of my jacket. Not a word passes between us but she offers the reassurance that I need.

Bob facilitates the session as only he can and in so doing keeps my secret and Vic's secret. Neither of us has to worry about being exposed to Ferg or Ruby. A lot of things come into my frame as Ferg and Ruby both are receptive to the debriefing.

"I've worried about you for so long, Walter. Being here surprises me but at the same time it doesn't."

My half-smile of reassurance is directed toward Ruby encouraging her to continue.

"For me," she looks at Bob and then over to me, her piercing blue eyes so full of love, "I can worry a lot less because you realize that all of us can't be you. You aren't treating us like you would want to be treated anymore. You are considering us and who we are. That is a huge step for a man like you, Walter."

She looks down at her hands, clasping her purse, "but that doesn't mean I want you to change who you are. You're a good man. There aren't too many left in this world and I don't want to lose the good man before me to the meanness in the world."

"Thank you, Ruby." I can hear the gentleness of Bob's voice as he addresses the sage of Durant.

"Deputy Ferguson," Bob prompts The Ferg.

"Well, ah, I think we all probably could have done a better job this past year, you know, taking care of each other."

The Ferg, looks at me,"But I've realized, Walt, that there's nothing we could have done, in the end." He looks down then over to Vic and Ruby. "None of us would have known. It's just a tragedy all the way around."

Ferg looks over at Bob, "I'm glad we are here, though. We may be less sophisticated than big departments but we are still people, you know."

Vic smiles at Ferg as his lips thin out and he holds his head just a little higher.

We roundtable our thoughts and feelings for a couple of hours as a group, as coworkers, as a team, and as a family. As the head of the family I know I have done right by them but am painfully aware of my failures.

Afterward, we all head to my cabin, for a barbeque, another one of Bob's suggestions. It seems that breaking bread together is vital for team building and bonding.

The weather cooperates and it's a perfect fall day. We eat outside with the stereotypical red checked tablecloth, double insulated paper plates, and large red plastic cups full of Rainer. As liberated as we are; Vic and Ruby fall to traditional roles and set the table while I tend the grill and Ferg takes charge of the tunes.

We sit to eat and Ferg says, "There's an extra place there. We expecting someone, else?" His voice is innocent and non-suspecting.

Vic looks to me and her lips twist. Ruby puts her hand on Ferg's, "It's a place for Branch, honey."

Silence falls upon the table.

Still standing, I lift my cup of Rainer and they all follow suit. I look at each one of them as I toast, "The pain we feel today, will be the strength we need tomorrow." I drain my cup and turn it upside down on the table.


	11. Here and Now - Chapter 11

We all play possum until Ruby breaks the silence about the debriefing. Her courage gives us permission to recount our feelings, thoughts and actions from the past year. My dinner sits well on my stomach for the first time in months. The knot, I was beginning to think was a permanent appendage, is gone.

It is on the other side of dusk when Ruby hugs me good-bye and Ferg shakes my hand with meaning.

"I'm gonna get Ruby home, Sheriff."

"Ok. Tomorrow do something for yourselves. Cumberland County is covering for another 48 hours, remember."

They head toward the Trans-am and again I chuckle at the sight of Ruby riding shotgun.

"All Ruby needs is a Nascar jacket, Walt. We should get her one for Christmas."

We both laugh. Its quiet, it's dark and the stillness of a new night bridges the space between us.

"Dinner was good."

"Thanks."

We clean up together, not exchanging words, but working in unison as if we have been doing this for years. The silence and intuitive understanding is welcoming yet incomprehensible.

I seal the last trash bag and toss it, locking the lid.

"Coffee?"

"Sounds good."

After washing up, I fire up the kettle, measure the grounds for the French press and wait for it to steep.

Vic and I settle on the couch with the front door open, the screen allowing the cool night air, to circulate in the cabin. The crickets are making a racket and I close my eyes allowing the familiar sounds of the country to relax me.

"It took me a long time to get used to that sound?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I was used to sirens not crickets."

I look over and smile.

"Now, I think I would be hard pressed to sleep without the sound of them."

"Country life has a way of sneaking up on you."

She looks over and says, "Accurate observation, " her words mean more than what she is saying.

For the first time since our coming clean in Bob's office, we are truly alone and in private without distractions, without the possibility of someone seeing us, just us.

I get up to pour our coffee and the stillness of the cabin begins to set in the reality of our situation. I turn to face the living room, "Vic, I'm not sure if you want your cup to go or if you …I mean I don't want you to feel like this is a set-up for something…I know I have to drive you home."

"I'm good and I don't feel like this is a set-up, Walt."

I make her coffee just like she does at the station, more milk than coffee, and more sugar than the daily recommended allowance.

"Today went good. I thought." Her eyes glance up as she sips her coffee.

I'm trying desperately to reconcile my feelings with my thoughts as the familiar wave of nausea rolls through my stomach. Living with my feelings on the surface is not something I want to make as my way of life I assure you. I don't like it. Hey, I'm trying to be honest with you but I have to deal with it do it or accept the likelihood of dying old, broken down and alone.

I light the fire and we move our coffee chat in front of the flames.

"I never thought you would be here." I don't know that I wanted it to come out that way but it did and it's here.

"Here or here?"

"Both"

"Me, neither."

"Really?"

"I almost left Durant after the divorce."

My heart lurches a little at her honesty and the fact that I would have lost her before I had a chance to have her.

"Why did you stay?"

"A lot of reasons." She takes a slow drag of her coffee. "Mainly, I wanted something to stick, something to be permanent and something that was my choice and my choice, alone."

"I'm glad you stayed."

"Are you?"

"Yes"

She takes another sip of her coffee as the mug warms her hands.

"I want to show you how much"

Before I can talk myself out of it, I sit on the ottoman in front of her chair; slide it under me and spread my legs wide as I wrap hers around my waist. She presses into me, I lean forward, and rest my hand in the small of her back. Our lips brush, my fingers wrap around her ear and the hollow on the side of her neck, my tongue traces the edge of her lower lip and she invites me in. Our kiss is warm, it's concentrated, and a little hungry.

"I'm glad you stayed, Vic."

I rest my hands between her knees, and do the unthinkable, "Talk to me."

Her head cants to the side like a dog not quite sure of the request.

"About what?"

"Anything."

She cants the other way with a small smile emerging from her full lips.

"When did you change the message on your machine?"

"The first day I saw Bob."

"Why"

"I faced the truth."

"Which one?"

"For feeling guilty for living"

She looks not judging.

"Actually, more to the point, I felt guilty for wanting to live."

"You hadn't let go?"

"No"

"So why then?"

"It had to be real"

She rests her index finger against her temple. She's thinking. She's a thinker. I love her.

"When I heard your voice I thought you answered but when your voice ordered me to leave a message I felt like a mutineer."

My head cocks to the side, "A mutineer?"

"Like I had somehow pushed you to abandon yourself, your past."

My eyes roll backward up toward the ceiling and I realize, "You thought you had somehow given me an ultimatum."

"Maybe I did."

"I dream about you."

"What?" She's surprised

"When I close my eyes you are always there." My hands roll behind her knees.

"As long as it's not a nightmare." Her deflection reflects her nervousness.

Our eyes meet, "I'm nervous, too."

She blushes just a bit and my cravings for her run through my veins like lightening in a bottle.

"I think it's time I get you home."

We untangle and I meet her at the front door. Her hand clasps the back of my shirt as she stands next to me.

"Thank you, Walt."

I smile, "Welcome."

I stop at the front of her house and walk around to open her door. Vic hops down; her boots land on the sidewalk just next mine.

"Walt, I don't want you to walk me to the door." She is firm in her declaration.

I feel my brows open not pleased with her statement.

She rests her hand on my forearm, "You just changed the machine, Walt."

I step a little closer, wondering if I deserve her. I nod.

She sounds whispery, our bodies are close, her other hand is clutching the side of my jacket, and I match her intensity, "Ok."

My fingers trace her belt buckle, "Night"

"Night"

I close my eyes to sleep and see her appear as she does at these moments.

"Hello"

"Hi"

"You keeping tradition?"

"I'm traditional."

"I know"

"You didn't give me an ultimatum"

"I wanted to"

"I wanted you to."

"What does that make me?"

"It makes me not deserve you."

"You don't know me."

'I want to" I don't fill the silence and finally she says, "Good night"

"Good night"


	12. Here and Now - Chapter 12

"What are you proposing?"

"I'm suggesting that you listen to her."

"I do"

"Do you?"

"I don't know what you mean?" I don't know why I play these games with him.

"How do you solve cases, Walt?"

"Put the pieces together to get to the truth."

"Why is this any different?"

"What?" I know the answer but I don't want to admit it at least not to myself.

"Suspects tell you who they are with their statements and with their actions. She is telling you that you don't know who she is."

I absorb what he is saying accepting the tact that he is taking.

"Does she know you, Walt?"

"Of course she does"

"Does she, really?"

"Yes, I mean I'm no stranger."

"You are to yourself."

He is on to me. "Ok, now you're talking in circles."

"Am, I?"

"Yeah, Bob, you are." There's no escaping.

"Let's cut the bullshit, Walt"

"Good idea." I'm caught.

"You have worked with Vic for a few years and in that time have you ever done anything at all together that did not involve work?"

"We just had dinner."

"How does that count? It was dinner with your team, Walt after a therapy session."

I don't have a response. He is right, you know it and I know it.

"How much does Vic know about you, Walt? You only let her see what you want."

"I don't try to hide anything from her." And I also have a bridge in Brooklyn.

"You hide from yourself, Walt. That's what brought you here in the first place."

"What do you want from me?" It's the first honest question I have asked.

"I want you to be genuine with yourself."

I laugh, "I like to think I am"

"What are you afraid of, Walt?"

Right here, at this point, I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you that I'm not afraid of anything but that would be a bald face lie.

Yet, another fork in the road has appeared and instead of standing and staring I make a choice.

"I'm afraid she won't love me."

"Why?"

"Cause sometimes I have trouble loving me."

"You don't think you deserve love?"

"Maybe"

"Why?"

"You know why." My turn.

We stare, not like two bulls, but like two warriors.

"Tell me your why, Walt."

"All the evil shit I've done. All of the evil shit I've thought about. It's all for the right reasons you understand but it's evil just the same."

"Does that make you unlovable?"

My head is down and I'm leaning forward resting on my forearms staring at my legs. I'm in the confession position.

"I think so, maybe."

"Does that make her unlovable?"

I look up at him

"She does the same thing, right?"

"When good men do evil to protect those they love, those they swear to protect what does that make them?"

"Alone."

"Is that what you want?"

"No"

"What does that make you?"

"A dying man"

"Ah"

"Is that what you want?"

"I think it was."

"Past tense"

"I don't feel that way anymore."

"When did it change."

"When she drove off and left me on the side of the road."

"Why then."

"I was going to lose her. My last chance"

"Last chance at what"

"Life"

"Do you love her?"

"Yes"

"How can you?"

It's funny when you look at the truth and it looks at you back. It's blinding like driving into the sun. You keep driving although you can't see the road. You trust on faith you will maintain your lane, not run off the road or crash. That's what is like looking at Bob.

"I have to love myself first is what you mean?"

"Yes, Walt, that's what I mean."

I shake my head acknowledging truth.

"You can't know her, son because you don't allow yourself to know your own truth. Get to that first and when you do, if she's ready, she will be there to meet you."

"Bob, that's a tall order."

"You're capable"

"Where do I begin?"

"You already have."

"But I know what love is and I love her"

"I believe you do but is it the love you want?"

"It's different"

"In what way?"

"I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I loved Martha." As the words roll off my tongue I take note of the past tense because it's notable.

"Can you love someone like that again?"

"I don't think I'm capable"

"You're right, Walt you're not."

I stop.

"But I want to love her like that."

"I need you to listen to me because this is going to be crucial for you moving forward, if you choose to move forward. It's always your choice, Walt." Bob makes that tee pee with his fingers; you know that thing he does when he is seriously making a serious point.

"You fell in love with Martha before you were a deputy, before you were a Marine, or the Sheriff. Before you were all of those things you may have had the instincts of a warrior but you weren't in that position mentally, emotionally nor was it expected of you. Now that you have matured into the sensibilities of the warrior state of mind, you have to come to terms with what that means to your spirit, your sense of self, and the implications. Otherwise, you will be perpetually stuck in this place where you now find yourself. Love, how you receive it, and how you give it will never be the same as before. It will always be different"

"I don't know how I think about what you are saying?"

"Walt, difference doesn't mean worse it means different."

"We're coming from the same place she and I."

On my way home, I eat my peanut butter sandwich and down the rest of my thermal coffee pondering my conversation with Bob and a conversation from the past with Ed Gorski.

She picks up on the fourth ring, "Thinking about not picking up."

"I wouldn't admit it if I was." Teasing me, I think.

"You still ok to come with me tomorrow?"

"Yes, 1100 hours with Bob, I will be there." She's serious.

"Good."

"Great"

"Vic, let's start today."

"Start what?"

"Us."


	13. Here and Now - Chapter 13

**#LONGLIVELONGMIRE**

* * *

><p>The parking lot is nearly empty except for the scattered sedans of the staff members. I stroll through the lobby passing the listless residents who are more interested in the community television or checkerboard to pay attention to their aging Sheriff.<p>

My knuckles scrape the side of the painted wood door, my other set of knuckles rest on the grip of my Colt.

The loud cantankerous voice on the other side of the door yells, "Whatever it is you're pushin' I don't want it."

I rap on the door once more.

It swings open with fervor as the voice exclaims, "What are you deaf?"

"Ah, it's you. What the hell do you want? Got some more meat to pick off my bones?"

I slide in behind him as he turns to walk back to his sparse room. He slides into his one and only chair, kicks his feet up, and clasps his hands behind his closely cropped head.

"Well, you gonna say something or just stare at me?"

"I'm sorry for the stuff I said the other day."

"No, need to apologize, boy."

My lips thin out as I smack my teeth, taking in both his words and his surroundings.

We look at each other for just a beat longer than normal or that is necessary. A tacit acknowledgment of understanding that forgiveness has been requested and accepted.

"I ain't got no answers for you anyway except to say there ain't no explainin' the evil hearts of men."

"Mark 7:21"

"Aw hell I ain't quotin the bible Walt. Just an observation of the truth."

"Same difference."

We exchange looks.

"Why do you live like this Lucian?"

"Because I want to."

"I went to a therapist."

"No, shit."

"Says I gotta forgive myself."

He pushes a wad of Skoal mint flavor between his gum and lower cuspid.

"That would be the eighth natural wonder of the world."

My lips curl up in a grin.

"That why you live like this? You can't forgive yourself."

"Don't go try to shrink my head, Walt."

"I don't know who else to ask Lucian."

His fiercely blue eyes penetrate me with the surety of being the only two men who know the truth.

"You ain't never gonna be normal if you're Sheriffin', right."

I lean against the dresser, my butt half on and half off.

"All the shit you gotta carry inside just sneaks up on ya and starts to seep into your soul if you let it. For some men that's ok, Walt but for others they need room in there. You gotta figure out which man you are and come to terms."

I know the choice he made. I'm sittin in his choice.

"You cheatin' on me with this game of chess?"

"Hell no. Knew you would come back runnin like a horny prom queen. You can't get enough."

We pass into the early afternoon together not saying much. Just being.

I check my watch for the third time, "You got somewhere better to be? That's the third time you've checked that arm clock."

"Yup"

"Hm"

I stand to leave, "Lucian."

"Walt," he turns, his face frowning with seriousness, "Go live your life, boy."

I drop my chin down to acknowledge his words and walk out and into the unfettered world.

I point the Bronco in the direction of Custer's Peak. Vic agreed to meet me there at 1400 hours. I pull into the gravel parking lot and find Vic already there sitting on the pulled out tailgate of her truck.

"Hey"

"Hey" I pull off my coat and lay it on my seat and switch out my hat for my ball cap.

She looks good. I walk over to her. She smells good. I lean down and kiss her on the cheek.

"What's all that?"

"Ah, just a little something I thought would be fun."

Her eyebrows arch and she rolls her eyes just a bit. You know how she does it.

"Follow me." I say with confidence and laugh at her half-hearted attempt to be cool and distant.

"Seriously, Walt what are we doing?"

"Fly some kites"

"What?"

"Fly kites."

"Are you serious?"

"Yup."

About 100 yards into the wide green open space, I drop to my knees and begin working on our kite kits. Vic stops and stares. She begins moving in closer as the kite nears completion.

I hand her the finished product.

"Seriously, Walt. You got me this kite?"

"You don't like it?"

"The Transporter, really?"

"I figured you would like this one."

"You are so full of surprises."

"You don't like it?"

"I pretty much love it."

Her smile brings one to my face and I realize my hand is wrapped around her thigh. I like touching her. I like kissing her. I like being with her.

I make quick work of my kite, an American flag, and we jog out together until our kites begin to lift and take flight.

Her head is arched back looking up toward the cracker blue sky, "What made you think of this?"

"Dunno, just talked out I guess," I turn my arched head and peek over at her.

It's distraction from the thought of peeling off your jeans and exploring the treasures of your body that was the first answer I thought of but didn't say because it's tempered with knowing that neither one of us can give each other what we need for the long haul without destroying each other in the process.

"I guess the other part….ah….is to let you know I'm going to put in the work, Vic. You know there's no limits to us like there's no limits with these kites except for the limitations we put on its flight. That's how we are and I don't want to impede our progress. I want to grow with you. I want to love you the right way."

"We can figure our fucked up shit together, you mean?"

"Yup."

* * *

><p><strong>We did it! Thank you, Netflix and thank you for being loyal readers and fellow stampeders. I can't wait to see what the next season brings us and hope for many more quality years for the show.<strong>

Sorry for not posting as frequently as normal. I'm just super busy at work and will be for a while. I will post,both this story, and Mr. Longmire/Vacation when I have a chance but I haven't stopped writing just have an EXTREMELY busy schedule right now. Thanks for hanging in there. Looking forward to many more Longmire fics and episodes.


	14. Here and Now - Chapter 14

The grass is damp, damp enough to soak through the right knee of my 501's, my hat perches on my other and the all too familiar knot in my throat is back with vengeance.

I know I'm supposed to be here it's part of the process, that's what Bob says, but I want to be here. It's necessary.

"I never had a chance to tell you that I am sorry. Sorry for so many things; recognizing the signs but not intervening, believing in you, but not supporting you, and the worst crime of giving you just enough rope to hang yourself."

My head hangs a little lower than usual.

"I let you down. I've done a lot of that the past few years."

The back of my right sleeve serves its purpose as I wipe away the dampness from my nose in one long stroke.

"When I left you outside I knew you would be back in the fold I just didn't know how or when. It's important you know that I always cared more about the man than I ever did about the deputy but it will always pain me that I failed both."

I reach down and separate the flowers, arranging them just a little better in the copper in ground vase.

I think of what it says about our culture that the only time a man brings another man flowers is when he is dead.

I brush off the pebbles of dirt that have somehow landed on top of the tombstone and wipe my fingers clean on the side of my jeans as I stand.

The words flow from my lips as I stand, almost like they were bottled up until I stood, and I tell him about his father, about his uncle, about Nighthorse, and oddly about me and Vic. Finally, I concede that my interference with him and Cady bled over from my insult as sheriff when he ran against me. The relentless pursuit of age took me by surprise. My lips pursing in recognition of my words as I reframe my O'Farrell on my dome and amble to the Bronco.

When I make it back to town, I stop by Cady's office just to say hello. It's a new habit I'm trying to form. Letting my daughter know I'm here. I'm engaged in her life, in living, and making her a part of it. To say it's easy is a lie but I enjoy seeing her and spending time with her even if it's for a few minutes.

This is our last day with Cumberland County covering our jurisdiction so I meet Vic, Ruby, and Ferg for our last group session with Bob. All in all, it goes well, and we are ready to move on and get back into our routine but with more clarity this time around.

We say our goodbyes and I catch up with Vic in the parking lot.

"Hey, ah, Vic." My fingertips land just inside her elbow.

"I probably should have asked you sooner but would you like to spend the rest of the day with me?"

She smiles and looks away. I can't tell if she is humored or pissed off and for no reason that I can think of I lean forward and kiss her on the lips. It's quick. It's light.

Her brown eyes grow larger and she looks up at me but I don't see anything except surprise.

"ok"

The corner of my mouth curls up, "Follow me."

She parks her truck behind the Bronco in front of my cabin.

We take my truck and I feel like I'm back in high school as I stretch my arm over the back of the bench seat as a non-verbal invitation for her to sit next to me. I see her turn, staring at me, out of the corner of my eye and on queue she moves over pressing her body into mine. My arm comes down across her back, my hand relaxes on her shoulder, and I turn and kiss the top of her head.

"You smell good."

"Thank you." She presses her head up, just a little, and takes me in, "You smell so good all of the time."

"It's not me it's Irish Spring." We both laugh and relax just a bit more.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Nowhere in particular. I just want to spend some time with you, Vic."

"This is nice."

And that's what we do, we drive, and we talk. Well, she does most of the talking but you knew that already.

I tell her about my visit at the cemetery, something I would ordinarily keep close and hidden but I don't want any secrets from her, ever. She asks if she can come with me next time and the idea of it is an unexpected welcome.

We park at Lookout Mountain and stay in the warmth of the cab of the truck. Vic slides back over to her side and a move closer to her, keeping my arm around her shoulders. She allows my hand to rest on the buckle of her belt.

"I feel like I'm 16 in high school."

"Me, too. I'm just as nervous but its for different reasons."

"What kind of reasons? Can you tell me." Her chestnut eyes are sparkling as she inquires.

"I'm fairly confident of what to do and how to do unlike when I was in high school." I smile and look down but back up to make sure she can see me, "I never expected to feel like this again, and it is getting more and more difficult to contain it because I want you and I have for such a long time. "

I move just a little closer and her hand comes up to my face, caressing my cheek as her thumb passes down my nose, our lips meet and its soft and gentle and when our tongues press together it's like that electric jolt you weren't expecting. That shock from the carpet or the door knob.

I squeeze her t-shirt just above her belt buckle and hear myself groan, another unexpected reaction, but she responds to it by opening wider and letting me further in and our kiss becomes a little bit sloppy and a whole lot wet.

She pulls back, keeping her hand in place, but this time she is staring into my eyes searching for my truth and this time I have the answers she needs.

"There's so much I need to know, Walt."

"There are no more secrets, Vic. Only those we make together."

* * *

><p><em>Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. The next update for both fics (Vacation and Here and Now) will be this weekend at the soonest. We have two more things to be thankful for this year; season 4 and Netflix :) Thank you for your reviews and taking the time to read my fics. Enjoy.<em>


	15. Here and Now - Chapter 15

There's so much I want and need to know about you, Vic but I don't want to interrogate you or interview you like some sort of suspect.

"I know.

"It should be natural, Vic"

"This whole thing is just fuckin' weird, Walt. I mean how many people are so fuckin repressed that the can't tell each other they love each other and when they do its before anything else. It is before a date, a kiss or even sex."

"Kissing you is nice."

I know the blush on my face matches hers

She covers her mouth with the back of her hand as she turns to look out of the window as if she's still a bit shy about me.

I lean in just a tad and kiss the pulse of her neck, "It's ok. Nothing to be shy about, Vic."

"I'm not, you just do things to me, unexpected things."

I don't want to push and ask what those things are and hope I will discover what they are at a more promising time. I can wait. I want her to take her time.

"Aren't you afraid of totally fucking this whole thing up? I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of shit not working out and if this doesn't work out where the fuck am I gonna work? I would have to move again and start over again."

"Do you think we are making a mistake?"

She looks at me, not wavering her stare, and answers, "Sometimes, yes, I think we are making a very big mistake."

I nod my head. My heart hurts.

"I also have had the same thoughts but for very different reasons."

She looks over to me as her eyes search mine we connect.

"I don't want to be the rebound man, Vic."

At that, her eyes turn earnest and her eyebrows furrow.

"I'm not the man to help you get over Sean." I know it sounds cold. I know it sounds hard but I'm not that man, Vic. You need to know that."

"I don't think of you that way, Walt."

"I know we talked about being in this together and working on our separate issues together and we can do that but I'm not gonna pay for his mistakes or Ed's either. I won't."

I hear the seriousness of my tone and I hear her voice make a definite shift when she replies.

"I'm not asking you to but now that you mention it I'm not going to play second string to Martha's memory. That's what it feels like sometimes and I don't like it. When you kiss me, it's nice, but I think that you are thinking of her."

"I'm not and I don't. Vic, she will always be a part of me but she is a part of my past."

"I get that. Hell, I respect that, but Walt I'm still a woman. I still need reassurance that it's me you want and not just for right now."

This, this right here is where a man built like me doesn't connect the dots. This is where I would normally drop the ball.

"Tell me how to love you."

"What?"

"Tell me what you need. I want to please you and I don't know how."

"I think I just need some time, Walt. I need some time to think."

I slide back over and start the truck and point it in the direction of my cabin.

"Walt, I need you to accept me for who I am, ok?"

I nod, "I do."

As I pull to a stop at my cabin, I shut the motor off, "I never flew a kite with anyone but you. Maybe you should know that."

"What?"

"I never flew a kite with Martha. I wanted us to have something that was just us, me and you, I took a chance that Sean never did it with you."

"He didn't"

Still serious, "Has anyone else?"

"No"

Reaching over, taking a few of her fingers, and wrapping them with mine, "You are not a replacement part."

I look at her full on, "I'd like to think of you as my lady. Just mine, no one else's, I don't compare you to anyone but I need to show you that you are my special lady."

I'm fully aware that this is a defining moment for me, for her and if there will ever be an us. "I figure we can start building on that, Vic. Simple things that really, in the end, aren't so simple like flying a kite together."

It's quiet in the cab of the truck except for the ticking from the heat of the motor. The intensity between us is palpable.

"Is that something you think we can build on, Vic?"

"I think we can." I hear the doubt in her voice.

"You don't sound convincing."

"Walt, I'm scared."

"So am I, Vic, so am I."

"You're scared? I find that hard to believe. You aren't afraid of anything."

At that I laugh, "Ah, yeah, I'm scared of a lot of things like falling in love, being in love and actually living."

She leans in and strokes my face with the back of her hand, slowly, with reassurance.

"Vic, maybe this isn't the right guy to quote because I'm sure someone may have said it more eloquently but no one said it better but the Duke said, 'courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.' That's what I do, it's what you do, and that is what we are doing together."

"I don't want to do this with anyone but you, Walt."

"I don't want to fail you, Vic but there are going to be times where I will disappoint you because I may not say what you need to hear or do what you need me to do because I'm just a man, Vic. I'm just a simple man in the middle of Wyoming who is desperately in love with you."

She leans in, her hand now holding my face, her lips are soft and sweet and warm as she kisses me.

"I want this to be one of our moments, Walt because I'm a complicated woman in the middle of bum fuck Egypt who is desperately in love with you."

Her teeth glisten as her lips part with her smile. "Let's go inside."

We walk toward the cabin and she folds her hand in mine.

She stops at the steps. "I think it's time we make some more buildable moments."

"Are you sure?"

She nods, "I've never been more sure about anything."

* * *

><p><strong><em> I had some very welcome and unexpected time today. Enjoy. <em>**


	16. Here and Now - Chapter 16

"It's almost 3:45."

"Yeah, so."

"Yeah, so!" She says sarcastically. You are all wrapped up in your head." Her hand swirls around her forehead like I'm just a little slow or a little stupid.

I look at her, completely confused, until it hits me.

"Oh, no, Vic!"

I turn on the television just in time for a punt return.

"Yeah, you are about to miss the second most important game of the season. Did you watch last week?"

"We can't talk about it."

"What?"

"You hear me." She plops down on the couch next to me, "We can't ever talk about it."

"Walt, get over yourself." Playfully mocking me.

"I am over myself." I nudge her in the ribs slightly and we begin to play like a couple of kids and it's nice, it's loving, and it's welcome.

Vic slides over onto my lap, "Ah come on I can't see the t.v. I think we just scored."

"You worried about SC scoring or you worried about you scoring?"

"Talk about Sophie's Choice. It's Notre Dame, babe."

"I must not be enough of a distraction."

"I will encourage you to put more effort into it."

Our eyes are locked. I'm not in the least bit interested in football at the moment.

"You will, huh?"

"Yup"

She moves up, her hips directly over mine, her palms pressed firmly against my chest and her lips are dangerously close to mine. I lean up, my hands on either side of her hips and our lips touch. We both hold our places there as the energy traverses through our veins.

"Vic" My voice is deep and purposeful but I don't wait for a response as I slowly pull her lower lip into my mouth and gently suck it until our tongues introduce themselves to each other once again. Vic relaxes into my chest and relinquishes all control to me. She trusts me and that is the most intoxicating gift she can give me. I allow myself to get lost in our kiss, my hands move up her side; my thumbs trace the side of her breasts feeling the full curves beneath my touch.

I feel Vic's fingers blade through my hair and land at the base of my neck my pulse increases at the feel of her touch. Our kiss deepens before I break and stare into her completely glazed over eyes. Without looking away, I begin to unbutton her blouse, with patience and determination. At the bottom button, at her belt, Vic covers my hands with hers.

"Walt" Her voice drips my name like warm honey.

"If you're not ready, it's ok."

"I'm ready" she looks down and away "but my body isn't."

"What's wrong?"

I can actually feel the heat coming from her and I know that part of it is desire but the other part is mortification.

"I ….ah.." She peers up, "…ah"

My hand finds her face, the back of it caresses her cheek, demonstrating my understanding and I whisper, "It's ok, Vic."

"I'm sorry, Walt."

"Don't be sorry. It's ok"

She starts to move but I pull her back.

"It's ok"

Her eyes lock on mine and she is not going to look away this time.

"Vic, it's ok"

"It doesn't bother you?"

"Why should it? I love you."

"Because…." I can see her stop her words with the suddenness of realization.

"I told you I won't pay for his sins, Vic."

She doesn't say anything.

"I meant what I said. It's just me and you here. It's not me and Sean or you and Martha."

"I know, Walt and I wasn't thinking about him I was just thinking of you but he wouldn't ….when…"

I pull her closer to me and watch her lips into mine and think of how much I love her as I kiss her. Her body relaxes into mine once more.

"Walt, until this moment I didn't know it was possible to love you more than I do."

"I'm lovable. What can I say?" Teasing her just a bit.

"Oh, brother" Smiling and moving off of my lap, "Let's watch the game."

"You provided a distraction alright." My hand is on her thigh, "Its 21 to nothing!"

Vic scoots up on the edge of the couch, "You want a beer?"

I grab her hand and hold her back, she lands half on me and half on the couch, "What's your hurry?"

"Nothing."

I hold her face, "Hey, I just want to love you."

"I know"

"No, Vic. I just want to love you, to show you what real love is. My love isn't conditioned on what time of the month it is don't you understand? I'm in love with you not your body. I know I'm not saying this right. Our bodies are how we…ah..express our love…but it's not what we love…a hell just forget it."

"Don't forget it." She presses her hands into mine. "Don't forget it, Walt. I don't want to forget it."

Our eyes meet again and she says, "You asked me to tell you how to love me. I won't have all of the answers, Walt, but I do know that you will have to talk to me and what you said just now was probably the most beautiful words ever spoken to me by a man."

This time she leans forward, her hands pressed against my ears, and hungrily kisses me; her tongue explores with confidence and in full expression of her desire. When she leans back she says, "I don't want you to miss the game."

I peek around her and see the Trojans have scored another touchdown. "I think I may have all of the Irish luck today."

"No luck involved."

"You're saying this is a sure thing?"

"I'm saying we are a sure thing."

I smile broadly.

"This is a buildable moment."

"Yeah, it is."

She presses up onto her feet and walks into the kitchen pulling out two longnecks, and opens a couple of drawers before finding the bottle opener. She brings them out for us and we watch the rest of the game together with our bodies touching in one fashion or another for the remaining quarters.

The final score, Irish 14 – USC 49, the Trojans capture the Shillelagh but I capture the love of my dreams; a buildable moment indeed.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Special shout out to Kmac9 - special love for the Irish -the greatest rivalry of college football, period.<em>**


	17. Here and Now - Chapter 17

This is the part I should have given more thought; the part where we don't have any distractions where I have to get out of my head and share this space with her.

"Vic." I look down at her lap and my hand slides down her arms and land on top of her hands, "I never want you to doing anything you're not comfortable with but I need you to give me a chance to find out where my boundaries are and where you are concerned they are pretty broad."

"Why?"

It's one of the most powerful questions anyone can ask. I know that. I know she is, in her own way, putting it back on me because she doesn't trust the situation or maybe she doesn't trust me.

"You don't trust me do you?"

Her eyes burn. "I trust you, Walt."

"No, you don't trust me like that do you?"

"I trust you with my life."

"You don't trust me like this."

She waits, "I should but I don't."

"Do you want too?"

"Yes, I do and I also don't want to think about the past but that's what makes me what I am just like you."

I think of all the hints and clues that Bob has given me these past weeks. This is all raw and new knowing that I have to lay myself before her completely and fully emotionally naked. Do I really have to tell you that this is not natural, that I have to override every fiber of my being to be real with her at this moment?

My jaw clenches, "If we are going to do this. The gloves have to be off."

Her breath is warm as it exhales into the atmosphere. "We need to do this." Her thumb wraps around mine.

"I have spent the last four years choosing not to live my life. Shutting the door to everyone that loved me or cared about me and wanted the best for me. I was an asshole to do that but by being that asshole is how I survived. I don't want to be that asshole anymore but, Vic, it is a part of who I am."

"I have overcompensated my entire life, Walt. I do it to hide the weakness. I know it exists in everyone. I mean I get it but it doesn't take away from the fact that I drive to control everything. That can make me a bitch, you know."

"Am I that different from the other men you have had in your life?"

"Do you really, want to have this conversation?"

"No." She looks down at our hands, "But we should."

"We need too"

"You are different and I think about why I am here, and with you, and why I want to be here and why I love you?"

"Are you trying to rescue me?"

She stops and pauses.

She doesn't answer. She waits.

"I don't know. Are you trying to rescue me?"

"I was."

Her eyes open wider. "What?"

"Bob called me out. When I first realized my feelings about you a part of it was about rescuing you, about saving you, because that makes me who I am as a man but its not just that anymore however it is there it will always be there."

Her eyes are intent.

"There is a part of you that is alluring as the sexy but depressed widower and if I am woman enough to rescue you from that but I understood that is why I pushed you towards Lizzie. Well, with Bob's help I understood that was what I did. I was bitchy about it and didn't like her but she was available. She was the pinch hitter. Walt, if I didn't want to rescue people I suppose I wouldn't be a cop so there will always be a part of that there for me too."

"Is that why you don't trust me?"

"You are too good to be true."

"Am I?" My hand falls to my chest.

"When I make you my knight in shining armor you are but that shit isn't real and I think I don't trust what real is."

"Real is hard for me to trust because real has kicked my ass but I know that we have to trust each other, Vic, if we stand any chance at all."

"You're right."

"Maybe we should pause?" I can feel the tension in my body as it resists my thinking.

"You think?"

"I think I shouldn't let myself get confused by how much I want to make love to you."

"Yeah, that's a page outta my playbook." She sighs.

We both sit for a moment. Vic tightens her grip on my hands. Her eyes focus in on mine. "Where does that leave us, Walt?"

My lips smack as I look outside hoping for any other answer besides the truth as I look back into her eyes, "At an impasse."

She pats my hands, "That's what I thought."

"I think I should leave."

"You don't need to go, Vic." I don't sound convincing.

"Walt, um, this is you know a lot and I can't sit here an pretend with you. No, let me say that again. I won't sit here and pretend. I'm done pretending."

"I'm not interested in you pretending."

Her arms are folded in front of her body. Her defensive posturing is dually noted and without thinking about it I take her arms and hold them in my hands.

"We can't run from each other. We can't run from the truth. We have both done our share of running."

"I'm not interested in running in place, Walt."

"Can I interest you in one step at a time with me?"

"We will be walking through a mine field."

"I can do that if you are with me." My conviction is apparent.

"I need some time Walt because I'm not interested in us being blown the fuck up."

I nod my head as our hands part from her arms. I want to stop messing this part up by staying so insular for fear of failing, of being a disappointment, of staying in my comfort zone.

"Vic," my head turns to look at her, "no matter what I am always going to love you."

We nod an acknowledgement and she walks over to the door, her hand is on the knob, as the door opens she turns to me, "I feel the same way."


	18. Here and Now - Chapter 18

"Henry thinks I should get a dog."

"You don't have time for yourself let alone a dog."

"That's what I told him."

"He says I need to have unconditional love on a daily basis."

She laughs

"I thought that's was his job?"

"Exactly."

We both laugh at the sarcasm.

"How are things going with, Vic?"

"Ah, that." I look down at the eggs on my salad.

"That bad, Dad?" Cady's hand reaches across the table and gently touches my fingertips for a moment.

"It's not bad. It's just not good."

"What does that mean?"

"It means we are going to finish our lunch and not talk about this."

"Really?"

I smile; you know that avoiding smile that shuts everyone down, yeah that one, "Yup."

"Have you talked to Bob?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Cady." My voice is firm like it was when she was a little girl and as soon as the words come out I follow it with an apology.

"Listen, Cady, I'm trying here. I really am but sometimes your old man just needs to be your old man you know. I don't want to talk about it. I want to enjoy my lunch with you."

"Ok. Apology accepted."

Dorothy walks over and fills my iced tea, "Walt, Ruby is on the phone for you. You can take at the counter."

"Thanks."

"Excuse me"

Pressing the receiver to my ear, "Ruby." My voice is quiet.

"There's some sort of disturbance at the Anderson farm. Ferg is going to meet you out there."

"Where's Vic?"

"Doing paperwork"

"k"

Cady is at the front door waiting for me. "I figured you had to leave. I paid our tab. You can treat next time."

"Thanks, punk"

This is how it's been since the afternoon at my cabin. We work around each other maintaining our sense of professionalism but we haven't talked about what we need to talk about.

I seem to notice her more and more in the office. I want to touch her. I want to hold her. I want to make love to her but that door and all the others seem to be closed and I don't know what to do about it so I don't do anything at all reminding myself that living in my head isn't so bad after all. At least everything makes sense there.

Out at Anderson's I catch up with Ferg who is lecturing the twins, Grady and Colt, that their farm is not the licensed as an entertainment business and their afternoon parties will have to shut down.

"When's your dad coming back from Denver?" I ask both of them.

"Wednesday" They answer in unison.

"Am I gonna have to have Deputy Ferguson drive all the way to Denver to tell your dad what's been going on at his farm?"

"No." again with the joint answer.

I step in, eliminating any distance between myself and the boys, "Am I gonna have to come back out here?" My chest puffs just a bit.

They look down at their bare feet, "No, sir."

"All right then"

I spin and walk back toward the Bronco as the kids pile out and take off in their respective cars.

Ferg walks over to me, "Hey, Walt thanks for coming out." His thumb points back over his shoulder, "I had that you know."

"What"

"I was doing ok with the twins"

"Ah" I look up nod and get in the Bronco without saying a word. I know what's eatin' me and it's not Ferg.

"Walter, you there?"

"Go ahead, Ruby."

"Can you head over to help Vic on an alarm call at Hank's Feed store?"

"Yup"

I step up the pace just a bit figuring the call came in while Ferg and I were babysitting.

I park a half a block away, letting Ruby know that I was on scene. Walking up I see Vic to the side of the front door and she points toward the back. I scoot into the alley and cover the back door. I'm in her head. I know she will give me five counts to get to the back and then wait another three before entering the store.

I can hear him before I see him then bam the back door flies open and with just a slight shove he's down on the ground. Pressing my knee in his back, I look through the rear door and see Vic signal everything is ok so I holster my Colt, and cuff up our bad guy.

Ferg is jogging down the alley and I stand our suspect up while Ferg pats him down and takes him into proper custody. Securing the bad guy's gun in his own waistband.

"Thanks, Ferg."

"No problem, Sheriff."

Peering at him, "You recognize him?"

Ferg shakes his head, "Neither do I."

"I can hear you…you know." The would be robber pipes up.

"Oh can you now? I figured you must be deaf since you are dumb enough to rob a store in my county!"

Ferg looks at me with a bit of surprise and walks him back out of the alley.

Vic walks over to the back door, "Hank confirmed it was an attempted robbery."

"You alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You should have waited for me."

"I heard Ruby call you."

"No, you should have waited for me from the start."

"I did." I realize she's not talking about the call or Hank or the attempted robbery.

I look over her into the store and grasp her bicep gently pulling her out into the alley with me and slamming the rear door at the same time.

"Vic, we can't," I stop, "I can't keep doing this." The pent up energy is pulsing through my body, her back is pressed against the door, and for one of the very few times of my life I let the words pour out unfiltered and uncensored, "I don't want to hurt you, Vic and I can't help but think that you are avoiding me because you don't want to hurt me. We can't avoid each other at work and we shouldn't because one or both of us can get hurt or killed."

I take a step closer, my voice lowers, and I feel her fingertips glide along the web of my hand. "I truly love you but I also want to share my life with you. All of it. Even at the risk of you ripping my heart out of my chest. I trust you with all of me."

"I don't think I'm ready for something serious"

"What does that mean?"

"I don't want to be sold a bill of goods."

"Do you think that's what I'm doing, Vic? Do you really think that?"

Her head twists and her hand comes up, "I think that you think love conquers all and that it's all fairy tales and puppy dogs because we say three words to each other. It's more than that Walt and I suspect that past the romantic notions you know it is."

"Of course it is, Vic, but love is serious it's not casual. Nothing about me is casual and that includes how I feel about you."

She looks to the end of the alley and back up at me. "I suspect that in here," I point to her heart, "there's nothing casual about how you feel about me or want from me."

She steps into me, "It doesn't negate what I said at your cabin, Walt." I lean forward meeting her half-way, "Walt, I want to be with you but I don't know how."

"Just put one foot in front of the other." Vic's lips touch mine and I close my eyes accepting the love she is offering me.

"I'd like to try Walt but it will have to be seriously one step at a time."

"What changed your mind?"

"I don't want to be the old fat cat lady, Walt just like you don't want to be a skinny ass old man all alone."

This is where I stop and tell you that we kissed each other in the alley and I swear I heard birds singing but I had to look up to make sure it wasn't a flock of ravens with their unkindness descending upon us. We probably never will have fairy tales or puppy dogs but I want to try and I only want to with her even if it's one slow step at a time.

* * *

><p><em>Thank you for staying on this journey with me. We have a lot to look forward to in season 4. Once my work slows down I promise more Longmire fan fics but in the meantime I am going to enjoy reading all of you talented writers when I need a bit of a break. Keep up the amazing work! I'm your biggest cheerleader. Remember, always<em>**_ -_** **#LONGLIVELONGMIRE**


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